Tag Archives: patience stretching

Is is Sensory Or Is It Behavior? Before 3, The Answer Is Usually “Yes!”

If I had a dollar for every parent that asked me if head banging when frustrated means their child has a sensory processing disorder...well, I would be writing this post from a suite in Tahiti.  Modulation of arousal is the most common sensory processing concern for the parents that I see as a pediatric occupational therapist.  Their children struggle to transition, don’t handle change well, and can’t shift gears easily.  But hold on.  A lot of this behavior in children  under 3 is developmental in nature.  Not all, but a lot.  Parsing it out and addressing it takes a paradigm shift.  Not every annoying or difficult behavior is atypical for age and temperament.

Everyone knows that you can’t expect your infant to self-regulate.  Nobody tells their baby “Just wait a little; why can’t you be like your brother and sit quietly for a minute?”  But why do adults assume that once a child can speak and walk a bit that they can handle frustration, wait patiently, and calm down quickly?

I know parents WANT that to be the case.  Toddlers are a handful on a good day.  Adorable silliness can melt your heart, but getting smacked by an angry child that was just given a consequence for trying to put your cell phone in the toilet to see if it would float?  Nah, that isn’t going to put a smile on your face.  Parents tell me “If they could only understand that when I say “wait”, I mean that you will get what you want, just not immediately.”  But no.  The toddler brain grows very slowly, and even the super-bright children who read at 3 cannot make their emotional brain grow any faster.  Sorry.  Really.   This brain thing means years of developing communication and regulation skills.

Here is the good news:  Even young children with clear sensory-based behaviors do better when your responses to their behaviors help them self-calm.  The recipe is simple to describe.  You give limits based on age, use familiar routines, teach emotional language and responses by modeling, and communicate effectively.  The Happiest Toddler strategies have transformed my work because children feel listened to but I don’t give in to toddler terrorists.  Everybody wins.

Here is the bad news:  You have to change your behavior in order to help them.  And you have to do it consistently and with loving acceptance of their limitations.  “Behavior” isn’t just their problem.  It is both of yours.  Take a look at my posts on Happiest Toddler techniques that really work for the little ones, and see if your suspicions of a sensory processing disorder wane or even evaporate as you and your child learn some valuable communication and self-calming skills.  The posts that can alter things today might be Nip Toddler Biting in the BudToddlers Too Young For Time Out Can Get Simple Consequences and Kind Ignoring, and How To Get Your Toddler To Wait For Anything (Hint: They hear “Wait” as “No”)

Good luck, and let me know what works for you!

 

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Wait Out Your Whiner Before Reacting And Everybody Wins!

Whining/whinging can drive a calm parent to the edge. Like nails on a chalkboard, the effect of a small person squealing their demand may unhinge you. Add refusal to comply with a reasonable request, and you have a recipe for disaster. OK, maybe not disaster, but how your react can inflict damage on the warm and happy relationship that you really want with your child.

So what do you do with a small child who whines/whinges? You could come down on them, all threats and authority. Good luck. Your child already knows that you have the power to deny them. They are choosing whining as an alternative to outright defiance, probably as a way to avoid a showdown. Insist on taking it there, and you may get immediate compliance but risk later explosions, or risk teaching your child that threats are the way to get what he wants. Oops.

Giving in to whining/whinging isn’t much better. You may have stopped the noise for now, but you have taught them a powerful lesson: this works! If you think that your child won’t try it again, or won’t try even harder the next time he wants something, you are experiencing wishful thinking.

This is how giving in will doom your plan. Every psychologist knows that the way to get a behavior solidly stuck in a child’s mind is to reward it intermittently. If it works some of the time, it will be tried again and again. Don’t believe me? Visit your local casino to see intermittent reward theory in it’s adult form. Every time that slot machine pays out, the customer is “taught” that it could do so again, if only they will keep playing. And playing. Folks, adults know the house always wins. Your child does not. They will keep trying their strategy on you.

Looking for advice from teachers or other “experts”? You will come away with some plausible strategies that often ultimately fail to bring the whine/whinge to and end. They sound so supportive, so understandable. “I can’t understand you when you speak to Mommy that way” is a common recommendation. An alternate strategy is “Use your big-boy/girl voice please.” I am going to tell you that neither of these strategies work very well with the chronic and committed whiner, especially if the perpetrator is under 5.

Why? Because you are using words to negotiate with children that respond better to actions. I am not referring to very young children or special needs kids with language skills under 18 months of age. But wait: those children generally do not whine/whinge. They don’t have the social and language skills to do so. They can be dealt with differently. This is why peak whine/whinge time is 2-5 years old. At this age, children can create strategies and observe their success or failure. But they are still little. They don’t infer from discussion, and they watch your reactions and the tone of your voice to support their limited language and social skills. Ask Dr. Harvey Karp. Happiest Toddler on the Block transformed my understanding of toddlers, and gave me happier days as well.

If your child clearly understands your request and your response to their request, and you consistently react in the same manner, you can wait out a whiner and teach them how to approach you. If you sometimes give them cookies right before dinner so that you can concentrate, or if you inconsistently administer natural consequences (taking toys that are thrown away from them, for example), then again, waiting them out isn’t going to work. But if you are reasonably consistent, this is the one strategy that will save your sanity and improve your child’s behavior in a lasting way.

By wait-it-out, I mean ignore the whine. Don’t react. You have ALREADY given them a response. Whether you are using Patience Stretching, my favorite move from Happiest Toddler on the Block, or simply a statement that if they want a snack, they need to sit on their chair, your response was already understood and rejected. Now you do nothing. You do not even make eye contact. Busy yourself, if possible, with some task in the room. This could be putting dishes away, folding clothes, etc. You want to be observed by your child to be non-reactive. You need to be able to observe them so that if they improve their behavior, you can respond right away.

The best way to respond to a formerly whining/whinging child who has come around is with warmth and humor. Nothing, absolutely nothing, sends home the message of success to them like an adult that welcomes them warmly. Don’t spend your time reviewing what went right. “You listened to Mommy so well. Nice sitting on your bottom in the chair” only works well with the youngest of the whiners. Most of them already understand that your warm response is in reaction to their compliance. Save the sing-song review for your infant; give your toddler or preschooler a hug, a kiss or some physical response instead.

Good luck, and see if waiting works for you!

How Young Can You Teach The Skills That Develop Grit?

I love the concept of “grit”, probably because I see it in so many of the special needs kids that I treat.  Meeting major challenges of living either crushes you or makes you stronger.  Researcher and author Angela Duckworth has championed the study of grit, and schools are even adjusting their teaching curricula to try to encourage a combination of perseverance and conscientiousness.  As an occupational therapist, there is nothing like the triumphant grin from a child that accomplished something difficult through their perseverance, patience and focus.  But how early can you see grit, and how early can you support the development of grit in children that do not seem to have it naturally?

I think grit is present earlier than the kindergarten stage, but it has to be viewed through a lens that corresponds to an earlier developmental stage than originally thought.  The famous “marshmallow test” study by Walter Mischel in the 60’s looked at 4-to-6 year-olds.  Spoiler Alert:  the kids that could use suggested strategies or come up with their own to avoid eating a marshmallow while alone for 15 minutes (in order to be rewarded with a second one) had better self-control later in life.  They got better grades as a group, completed more advanced educational levels, were more financially successful, and had fewer relationship and workplace difficulties.

One of the general conclusions of professionals since then has been that you really don’t see that kind of ability in kids younger than those in that original study.  I believe that they haven’t recognized the earliest stirrings of grit.  Just like a flower and it’s bud, it doesn’t look the same as full-blown grit.  Being able to avoid eating the marshmallow until the examiner gets back isn’t the appropriate test for grit in a 2 year-old.  Being able to wait for even a minute or two for goldfish crackers might be.  So would calmly picking up toys before bedtime.

Toddlers who have mastered Patience Stretching, Dr. Harvey Karp’s simple method for building patience in children as young as 12 months old, are showing some grit. Stretch Your Toddler’s Patience, Starting Today!  I also think that kids that have learned alternative expressions of emotion instead of resorting to defiance have sown seeds for grit.   Kind ignoring, in which defiance and negative attention-seeking is responded to with a brief withdrawal of interaction only, makes it more likely for toddlers and preschoolers to generate positive strategies for attention.  Toddlers Too Young For Time Out Can Get Simple Consequences and Kind Ignoring  Using those methods requires them to have more focused attention than throwing a fit.

Grit alone is not going to guarantee a happy and successful life.  But grit can support kids when life throws them a curve ball.  Dr. Karp didn’t create The Happiest Toddler techniques to develop grit, but I think it can help create a solid foundation for it to flourish!

How Early Can You Use The Happiest Toddler Approach?

Something happens to babies between 12 and 18 months.  The adorable little child that could be easily distracted from grabbing your earrings, ate anything you offered, and smiled when you praised him is replaced by someone whose favorite word is “NO!!”, delivered at astonishing volume for a person who weighs in at only 23 pounds.

Welcome to toddlerhood.  Get ready, it is going to be a bumpy ride!

Dr Harvey Karp’s Happiest Toddler techniques are usually discovered by frustrated parents of two year-olds who are tearing around the house, taking hostages.  But these effective behavior management methods can be cherry-picked to be used with younger toddlers.  In fact, starting early with patience stretching and the Fast Food Rule Taming Toddler Tantrums Using Sympathetic Reframing is a smart way to grow a toddler.  These techniques really do teach patience with kids Stretch Your Toddler’s Patience, Starting Today! and teach them that their complaints will be heard without always getting their way.  Dealing with bad habits later takes longer than instilling good ones any day.

You just have to be aware of which methods work for tiny minds and start planting the seeds before things get out of hand.  Some methods, like Giving It In Fantasy, will not work.  Young toddlers do not have the capacity to distinguish reality from fantasy.  Too many words, as well.  Same with Gossiping About Good Behavior.  They think that you are talking to them and don’t get the full effect of “overhearing” a compliment.

Not sure you want to “time-out” a 14 month-old?  Use Kind Ignoring, in which you momentarily turn away from the whining or defiance of a very young child.  Ignore the behavior briefly, even move 10-15 feet away without saying anything or making gestures or even a negative facial expression.  In fact, doing nothing at all but removing your self from the banging or throwing of toys sometimes works better than a statement or a look.  Your action coveys that this is not going to get your attention, it is going to remove you from their presence.  So much of the time, the littlest toddlers are doing these things to engage you when they don’t have the words to do so.  Don’t take that bait, and you have avoided what the Baby Whisperer would call “accidental parenting”.

She is a big believer in “start as you mean to go on”, and so am I.  Consistency gives all children a bedrock at home and at school.  They know what to expect, how to gain attention and how to successfully communicate even at an age where they have less than 20 words.  If you want more peace, don’t think that you have to wait until you can have a conversation about behavior with your child.  The door to communication is open way before that point!

 

When Children “Won’t Let You” Put Them Down

I support safe baby wearing for bonding and stimulation of infants. But what happens when older babies and toddlers scream when you put them down?    You can’t cook at a stove safely (I guess you could wear them on your back, but little legs still kick forward near a flame), drive a car, or change a diaper.  Or do the many, many other things that need to get done.  When an older baby or toddler demands to be held all the time, in the face of fun to be had in other places, everybody is upset.  The child first of all, but also the parent who doesn’t want to show rejection but doesn’t wish to or safely cannot hold the child for extended periods.  The issue usually isn’t too much attachment or even too little quality time.  It is that both party’s communication skills aren’t working well.

Children old enough to crawl and walk may still crave being held other than when they are ill or tired.  Who is to say that isn’t a good thing?  But frequently the child that demands to be held isn’t calm once they are picked up; I have seen them immediately go into an aggressive mode, pulling hair or hitting the parent holding them.  Seeing this pattern in their request to be picked up should be the big, big clue here.  These children are asking for a parent’s undivided attention and choose this method to get it.  Here are two strategies to support skill development while also being loving and respectful to your child.

The Happiest Toddler on the Block has a technique called “Patience Stretching” that I really like.  The child wants something that you can and will give him, such as a snack.  It could be a bottle if the child isn’t absolutely famished.  It could be a toy, even your phone.  You use the Fast Food Rule to communicate that you understand their request, and agree to it smiling the whole time.  You start to fulfill the request, then using some dramatic flair, say something like “Oh, wait, Mommy just has to go do _________ and I will be right back to [fulfill the request].”  You disappear for about 3 seconds, you can even talk to them from around the corner, saying you will be right there, then come back and deliver the goods with a smile.  Some younger children or very spirited children may cry, but some don’t even have the time to do so.  The next request gets a slightly longer pause, and it repeated until you have a minute or a few minutes between agreement to fulfill the request and the delivery.  Building patience this way is very kind, develops trust, and is so helpful to busy families that always have to take care of 3 things at once.

Strategy Number Two:  if your child is the kind who gets picked up only to squirm to get down in 30 seconds, you have someone with a habit of attention-getting that is going in the wrong direction.  Try getting down on their level and doing something physical, such as playing patty-cake or holding their hands and swinging.  Then redirect them to a favorite toy for independent play.  Your child may not be able to start some independent play without a little help.  Playing alone is a skill that is learned, not a developmental stage.  It is very important to develop that ability, as it supports creativity and exploration of the environment.  Strong independent play skills can also prevent the “I’m bored” stage later on.  Resist the temptation to say something like “I won’t pick you up but we can play” because your actions are saying that without using words.