Tag Archives: parenting

How an Occupational Therapist Can Help The Siblings of Special Needs Children

 

joao-rafael-662575-unsplashThe parent of one of my clients recently returned from a conference related to her youngest child’s genetic disorder, and she told me that the presentation on helping the siblings of special needs kids really only offered one niblet of advice: “Try to give each sibling 10 minutes a day of “just us” time.”

My shoulders, and my heart, fell.  Telling exhausted and worried parents that they need to find more time in their day, every day, isn’t fair.  This mom could have used so many more specific strategies.  She didn’t need another way to feel inadequate to the challenge.  When you have a special needs child, you don’t have extra time.  Some days you aren’t sure you will be able to shower and shampoo.  Even if you could carve out some time by delegating and hiring help, the truth is that living with constant worry about the present and the future, running chronically short on sleep, and perhaps still recovering from a NICU nightmare…this doesn’t lend itself to stellar time management.

There are things that really do help.  Among them are getting the right kind of assistance and support, sharing the knowledge you receive from specialists, and handling everybody’s feelings with compassion (including self-compassion) and honesty.    Occupational therapists are out there helping families deal with life, since we have a solid background in the science of occupational demands and the psychological responses to illness, injury and trauma.  We aren’t psychotherapists, but we study the science of healthy life routines and behaviors.  We also spend a lot of time learning what special needs kids need to thrive, and this includes supporting the siblings and parents of our clients.

Here are some of the things I wish that the presenters had suggested:

  1. Ask your child’s therapists to train more of your family members and caregivers.  This means the partner that isn’t the primary caregiver for a special needs child, but it also could be the grandparent or the babysitter that is the backup emergency caregiver.  There are parents who feel they can never take a break because a half-spa day would mean that no one knows how to prevent their child from falling down the steps or how to know when a child is going in the direction of a meltdown that will derail the day.  If you have a medically fragile child, more people need to know how to keep them safe and healthy.  Your child’s therapists are skilled in providing training in their area of specialization.  They may not offer it to your other family  members unless you ask for it to be done.  This is an investment in your peace of mind.  Make it happen.
  2. Find out if your child’s siblings can enter a therapy session and learn more about how to help or encourage their special needs sibling.  Therapists can teach your child’s siblings, and because they are seen as authorities and not parents, this can work well to foster understanding and interest.  Even preschool kids can learn why the baby isn’t playing with them( but she is watching) and that means “I like you”.  Your therapists are pediatric specialists and are good at helping children of all ages, even if your social needs child is an infant.
  3. Learn methods to spread your warmth and concern without promising time commitments you may not be able to keep.  Something so simple (and explained in more detail in my new book below) is to talk with your child’s siblings about your feelings of anticipation before some fun event, even if it is reading a chapter in Harry Potter.  Telling them, days ahead, that you can’t wait to be with them can feel so good.  Later, you can remind them how much fun you had.  Don’t require them to reciprocate.  You are speaking about your feelings, and if they brush it off then don’t take it personally.  Tweens especially struggle with how to respond.  They still need to hear your warmth.
  4. Express your frustrations honestly, but mindfully, to your child’s siblings.  You will both feel better for it.  You don’t have to wail and keen, and in fact I would discourage that.  You can do that with your partner or your counselor.  But your other children need to know that feeling less than blissfully grateful for their special needs sibling is normal and not shameful.  When some feelings are perceived as unacceptable, they grow in importance and sprout little behavioral problems of their own.  Start by speaking about how tired you are.  It is honest and it is probably already visible.  Mention that you feel both things; love and frustration.  You have to adjust for your other children’s age and emotional tolerance, but I promise you:  this is going to really help.
  5. Ask for help.  And accept it when it is offered.  Some people don’t think they need help, and some don’t think they deserve it.  Some think that it will be seen as weakness or laziness.  Some ask for help and get a casserole instead of babysitting.  Some get advice instead of a casserole.  And some turn down help to avoid feeling as tired and frightened as they really feel deep inside.  Think carefully about how and why you don’t have or accept help, and try doing what doesn’t feel natural or easy.  It could be the best move you make this week.
  6. Reconsider the amount of therapy and tutoring you are doing.  I know; what therapist thinks you can overdo their own treatment?  Me.  Overscheduling therapies can backfire when you, your special needs child, and the rest of your family suffer from the demands.  The time demands, the loss of participation in real life fun like hayrides and playgrounds, etc.  The downtime that any normal person needs and so few parents and special needs kids get.  That affects siblings too, in lost time with parents and exhausted parents trying to wedge “me time” into a free moment.
  7. Make choices about what your priorities are, but allow yourself to have a priority that is not all about your child.  For example, you may have to accept that your house isn’t going to be spotless, and that you may be buying rather than making most of the holiday cookies.  But if making a few batches of a precious family recipe (my best friend from college makes her Scottish grandmother’s recipe for fruit squares) will make you feel like a million bucks, then go ahead.  Yes, life with a special needs child is different from what you expected.  But you get to have some things from your previous life that bring joy!

I am so excited to report that my newest e-book is finally done!

The JointSmart Child:  Living and Thriving With Hypermobility Volume One:  The Early Years is designed to empower the parents of hypermobile kids ages 0-5.  There are chapters on picking the right high chair, toys, even pajamas!  One section is just on improving communication with your family (including siblings), teachers, therapists and even doctors.  No other book answers questions that parents have about finding good eating utensils and how to navigate playdates and social events more successfully.

It is available on Amazon as a read-only download and on Your Therapy Source as a printable and click-able download.  Look for more information and a sneak peek at the ways every parent can learn what therapists know about positioning here:The JointSmart Child Series: Parents of Young Hypermobile Children Can Feel More Empowered and Confident Today!

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How To Raise a Narcissist, and How To Avoid Doing So

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You’ve met them, even if you didn’t know what you were looking at or listening to.  People who are full of entitlement and expectation, but lack a certain depth of empathy (Emojiis on Facebook after someone posted the loss of their pet doesn’t count).   Folk who are very conscious of where they stand in the social ladder, and where everyone else is too.  People who think the nicest houses and the most fashionable cars are more important than deep emotional connections and giving back to society.  Partners that tell you that if you only made more money, looked better, or had a better backhand then they wouldn’t “have” to cheat.

How do narcissists start out?  Is it genetic?  Are they victims of trauma?  Is it something in the (sparkling) water?  No; you have to start with the right temperament.  Children who are naturally compassionate are less likely to end up as narcissists.  Having a strong temperament with lots of drama supports the development of narcissism.  And you don’t have to be a narcissist to raise one.  Not at all.  With a nod to the famous “South Pacific” song, you have to raise a narcissist very carefully.  Here’s your roadmap:

  1. Be overindulgent, regardless of your financial abilities.  For wealthy families, overindulgence is easy.  Sometimes too easy.  For kids from limited incomes, it looks a little different.  They won’t have everything they ask for, but they might still get scarce resources spent on them, even when the shower leaks and the tires on Mommy’s car are bald as billiard balls.  Being allowed to control where and when things are done for themselves and the whole family, rather than negotiate and accept limits; that’s overindulgence as well.  It could be extending bedtimes, doing homework for a child “so they don’t get too upset”, or even not paying the household bills so that a child gets what they insist they want.  Overindulgence is more of a sense of things being out of proportion and demanded, rather than bestowed with balance, forethought and awareness.
  2. Fail to provide consistent emotional attention/education, and teach children to seek external validation.  Again, this doesn’t mean that the parents of narcissists were cruel, or even mean.  They could have been very depressed and unable to reflect and respond to a child’s feelings.  They could be away a great deal with work or social commitments, leaving childcare, especially emotional childcare to paid employees.  Working parents:  do not think I am attacking you.  Leaving the house and leaving your child’s heart are two different things.  Working makes juggling home life harder, but it isn’t impossible to make the time you have at home high quality.  But if you are at home and your head is at work, or if you are at home and your head is on Facebook, then you aren’t giving your child what they long for; your interaction and your teaching about emotional and relationship hygiene.  Childcare, especially the care and feeding of emotions and self-image, is actually not that much fun for parents.  Helping your child manage their feelings and listening to them as they learn to do so is work.  Lots and lots of work.  And it requires time and attention from you that won’t always be much of a thrill.   Ask any child psychologist.  If you didn’t really want to raise kids, but you have them (for whatever reason),  you may not be very motivated to spend the type of time with them that isn’t at an event, on the stage, at the podium, etc.  the type and amount of emotional investment needed to parent children may seem too much.  People do sometimes end up parents when they knew that they weren’t really cut out for the job.
  3. Model a strong sense of entitlement.  You need to enter a restaurant expecting that you shouldn’t have to wait for a table at the price you are paying.  Complain if the babysitter has the flu and ruins your plans for the night.  She should take better care of herself if she expects to have this job!  Value your child’s grades more than their effort, and make sure they know that making their projects look great is much more important to you than their passion for the theme or what they learned.   Try not to share the spotlight if you can help it, so that you emphasize to your child that being the center of attention is very, very important.

How can you prevent raising a narcissist?  Make sure that you take care of your own mental health needs.  If you are depressed or addicted, get help.  Now.  If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, decide if exposing your child to this person is healthy.  The chance that you will save or cure a narcissistic partner is very low.  But they can support this trait in their children.  That may be a high price to pay.  If you don’t know how to build emotional skills in your child, learn.  Seek parenting guidance and don’t be embarrassed; no one is born knowing how to do this parenting thing.  Having a sincere desire to support the emotional health of your child is your superpower.

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The Subtle Ways Long Term Medical Care Affect Infant and Toddler Development

 

hannah-tasker-333889-unsplashThe good news:  more and more extremely premature and medically complex babies are surviving.  The bad news: there is a cost to the extended and complex treatment that saves their lives and helps them to thrive.  This post is an effort to put out in the open what pediatric therapists know only too well goes on after the medical crisis (or crises) are over.   Only when you know what you are seeing can you change it.

This is not an exhaustive list; it is a list of the major complications of a complex medical course of treatment on behavior:

  1. Your child is likely aware that their coughing, crying, or other reactions will stop parents and even some medical professionals in their tracks.  I have had kids who didn’t get what they wanted learn to hold their breath until they turned blue.  If you have worked in medicine, you should know that if a child does this and faints, they will immediately begin breathing again.  It doesn’t scare me.  But it can terrify family members, teachers, and other caregivers.  They will stop whatever they were doing and may give in to any demand right away.  Many kids learn who will take the bait impressively fast.  It is very damaging to a child’s relationships and destroys their ability to handle frustration.
  2. Invasive treatments have been done while distracting your child and often without involving your child in any way.  This has taught your child not to attend to an adult’s actions or words in the same way a typically developing child will do naturally.  Since learning language and fine motor skills are highly dependent on observation, these skills are directly impacted by this consequence.  This pattern can be reversed, but it is highly resistant and has to be addressed directly.  Don’t think it will simply go away as your child recovers medically.  It doesn’t.  As soon as your child can be involved in self-care any way (holding a diaper, etc) you need to engage your chid and demonstrate the expectation that they respond and interact to the degree that they can manage.  All the time.
  3. Typical toddler attitudes are ignored because “He has been through so much already”  If your child is kicking you while you change his diaper ( a real question to me by a private duty nurse) then you react the same way you would if your child didn’t have a G-tube or a tracheostomy.  The answer is “NO; we don’t kick in this house”.  You don’t get into why, or what is bothering them right away.  The immediate answer is “no kicking”.  Not now, not ever.  Aggression isn’t unusual or abnormal, but it has to be addressed.  With understanding and as little anger as you can manage as your beloved child is aiming for your face with his foot.  The parents may be experiencing their own PTSD Can Your Pediatric Patient’s Parents Have PTSD? so be aware that their reactions may be coming from a place of untreated trauma as well.
  4. Children who are unable to speak to engage you or able to move around their home will come up with other methods to gain and hold your attention.  Some children throw things they don’t want and HOPE that you make it into a big deal.  Or they throw to gain attention when they should be using eye contact, vocalization or signing.  They wanted your attention, and they got it.  Without speaking, signing or any other appropriate method of communication.  This is not play, this is not healthy interaction.  This is atypical past 10-12 months, and should be dealt with by ignoring or removing the items, and teaching “all done” or “no” in whatever method the child can use.  And then teaching the correct methods of gaining attention and rewarding it immediately.  The biggest roadblock is that if one caregiver takes the “throwing” bait, the child will dig in and keep using that method.  Adults have to act as team managers, and if they fail, the behavior keeps on going.
  5. Children can request being carried when they don’t need the assistance, but they want the attention.  This can delay their advancement of mobility skills.  One of my clients has learned which adults will hold his hand even though he can walk unaided.  He likes the attention.  The clinic PT doesn’t know this is happening, even though the family brings him to therapy.  Like a game of telephone, each caregiver assumes that the child needs the help he is requesting.  He is not developing confidence in his own home, which should be the first place to feel safe and independent.  He depends on adults to feel safe.  Oops.

 

In many ways, my job as an OTR is to alter some of these behaviors to allow normal development to take place.  Long after those medical crises are terrible memories, the consequences of those days, weeks, months and sometimes years can have significant effects on learning and independence.

Looking for more ideas to help children grow and develop?  Read Need to Support A Child’s Independence? Offer to Help Them! and The Not-So-Secret Solution for Your Child With Motor And Sensory Issues: Dycem.  Do you have issues with your child’s siblings?  Read Are Your Other Children Resentful of Your Special Needs Child?

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Does Your Special Needs Child Have a “Two-tude”? Its Not Just the Age; Its Frustration Minus Skills

 

patrick-fore-557736I spend a lot of my work week with toddlers, and they can be a challenge.  One minute sunny, the next screaming because their cookie broke.  Special needs toddlers can have a “tude as well, but many professionals sweep it under the rug.  They tell parents that this is normal, and that they should be grateful that their child is going through a completely normal stage of development.

Except that many parents who have already raised typically-developing kids KNOW that there is a difference with this child.  It could be the intensity of the ‘tude, or the frequency of the meltdowns, or the types of events that trigger the tantrums.  OR ALL OF THEM!  Parents know that this doesn’t feel the same, but they often shut up when they are told that it is so normal.  Perhaps their eyes and ears and memory isn’t correct.

They aren’t wrong.  Their perception that something is a bit different can be totally correct.  And the reason(s) are quite obvious to me.

Special needs kids come in an almost endless combination of needs.  Some are physical, some are communication needs, and some are cognitive or social skill needs.  Some are all of these.  Having challenges in moving, speaking, comprehending language and/or concepts or struggling to interact will create more frustration for every single day of a child’s life.  That’s the reality of disability.

The image of the placid and sweet special needs child, patiently waiting to be assisted and supported is just that: an image.  Most kids bump into frustrating barriers every day.  The toddler that has just learned to walk but can’t run, the toddler that is talking or signing but still isn’t understood by their older brother, the toddler that cannot handle a change in routines…it goes on and on.

Typical toddlers spend less time frustrated that they are unable to accomplish simple skills.  The typical 14 month-old that can’t tell you what he wants becomes the 18-month old that can say “cakker, pease” for “cracker please”.  A special needs child could be 4 years old and still struggling to explain that he wants another cracker.  That is a long time to be frustrated.  The typical 26 month-old that can’t run after their brother in the backyard becomes a runner at 30 months.  A special needs child may not run for years.  That is a long time to be left in the dust when everyone is running.  Is there any wonder that parents see more frustration, more tears, more stubbornness?

My saddest story of failed inclusion is when a family placed their special needs child in a toddler development group with mobile kids.  Even though this child had a personal aide, he still watched as his peers got up from the snack table and ran outside.  They left him with the aide, who then carried him outside so he could WATCH his peers climb and run.  He became distraught at home when he was left alone in a room.  A puddle of tears.  It was so sad to see.  No one had thought of the emotional cost of inclusion to this toddler, only the social and academic benefits.

What can be done?

I teach families the Happiest Toddler on the Block strategies as soon as they are appropriate.  Dr. Karp’s techniques build a child’s skills while enhancing interpersonal connections.  Yes, sometimes you have to provide consequences for aggression, but mostly it is about building frustration tolerance and emotional intelligence.  For everyone.  I use these techniques all day long.  I could never handle so many toddlers for so many years without them!

Looking for more information on special needs toddlers?  Read Need to Support A Child’s Independence? Offer to Help Them! and Safety Awareness With Your Hypermobile Child? Its Not a Big Thing, Its the Biggest Thing.

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Afraid to Toilet Train? Prepare Your Child… and Prepare Yourself

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I spend an extra 30 minutes at the end of a session this week helping a mom build her courage and confidence so that she felt ready to start toilet training soon.  Her child is over 3, has sensory and motor issues, but shows tons of signs for readiness:  dry diapers for increasingly long periods, tells adults when he needs to “go”, able to manage clothing, etc.  He also has no confidence in his abilities, rarely likes change or challenge, and is super-sensitive to altering routines and using new environments.  This isn’t going to be seamless.

It isn’t clear who is the more prepared individual, but I think it could be the child.

This mom read my favorite marketplace book on training “Oh Crap”, and she needs to re-read it with an eye to the many ways in which her child fits the picture of a child that could NEVER be fully ready to train.  This species is so averse to novelty and challenge that no treat or toy is a great enough reward.  Nothing is more frightening to them than failure, and you simply cannot miss the diaper.  It is familiar, fail-proof, and allows children to never have to monitor their body signals or stop watching Paw Patrol to go to the potty.  Ever.

This child is likely to be experiencing the normal sensations of fullness and pressure (as the bladder and rectum fill) as uncomfortable and a little scary.  This interoceptive input can be one that children are sensitive to in the same way that the find seams on clothes or lying down for a diaper change unpleasant.  He requires a lot of support to tolerate and process tactile input and vestibular input, so it isn’t exactly surprising that he would find interoceptive sensation difficult to handle.  Adding a new routine for dealing with elimination, placing it in a room he rarely uses (the bathroom) and being old enough to know that he could “fail” and old enough to absorb outside comments about being “dirty” is more than enough to make this harder than it should be.

My suggestions to this mom included:

  • Adding more vocabulary to her discussions about toilet training.  Speaking about the feelings of pressure and fullness, the actions of pushing the poop out gently, and cleaning/wiping with clear messaging that this is a learning experience that nobody does perfectly.  Hearing that his parents had “accidents” when they were little, and that every child will have accidents, well, this could really help both of them.
  • Dressing him lightly, or choosing to go naked or just underpants (I like two layers of training pants if they still fit his tiny heine!) so that there are fewer barriers to making it to the potty means she may need to shop for training garments.
  • Planning the environment if she is going to let him go naked.  All living events except sleeping need to happen in places where accidents can be cleaned up easily.  She isn’t averse to staining the carpet, but I assured her that her child knows not to spill things on that carpet.  He is too old not to interpret soiling it as a failure.  When she runs to clean it up, he will feel badly.  If she doesn’t have to rush and shows no stress, he will relax about the almost inevitable accident.  He NEEDS  the confidence to move forward.
  • Consider more media about toileting and the arc of learning.  Most children don’t like to talk about things that distress them.  But they LOVE to read about others who are going through the same things.  I suggested that she weave in some new books about characters who are learning to use the toilet, and add comments about their feelings as they learn.  This would include how excited and proud the character is.  Proud can be a new word in his vocabulary!

 

Training a child that has low tone?  I wrote an e-book for you!

The Practical Guide to Toilet Training Your Child With Low Muscle Tone is filled with preparation ideas, strategies to address the common issues of sensory processing limitations and the behavioral effects of low tone, and even includes a guide to building readiness instead of waiting for it to arrive!  You can find it on my website Tranquil Babies,  on Amazon  , and on a terrific site for occupational therapy materials, Your Therapy Source

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Sensitive Child? Be Careful How You Deliver Praise

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Sensitive kids need encouragement as much as the next child, but they can have a paradoxical reaction when you praise them.  What do I mean?  You compliment your child by saying “GREAT job!  I knew you could do it!”, and they react by becoming angry or even arguing with you.  They may even try to destroy what they had done.  This can include being mean to a sibling or pet, or breaking something that they created.

Why?  Weren’t you supposed to support them?  All the parenting books recommend giving children accurate and immediate feedback.  You could have done everything as suggested:  you were warm, you were specific about their success, and you used words that match their age and developmental stage.  You even avoided the pitfall of praising results and instead you praised effort.  It backfired on you.

What went so wrong?

Simply put, you didn’t expect that they would think that any future performance could be seen as a failure, and this burden was more than they could bear, or the sensory input overwhelmed them.  Or both.  This reaction is more common than you would think, and happens in very young children, as young  as two!  Some very sensitive kids cannot handle the physical intensity of some methods of praise.  Your change in vocal volume and even vocal pitch may send them into physiologic alarm mode.  The longer you go on, the more upset they become.  And they don’t have a good answer when you ask why they are so upset.  They are just as eager for true appreciation as any other child, but they know that they feel bad, not good.  You weren’t intending to create pressure on them.  Kids can place it on themselves.  These are often the kids that need things to go the way they expected, or to go perfectly or it isn’t acceptable.  They are very invested in being seen in a positive light.

What can you do differently?

If you think that your child is reacting this way, dial down your response and observe how your child takes it in.  Using a lower voice and shortening your response can help.  Making a general statement rather than elaborating might be easier to hear.  “Nice work” can be more acceptable than “You did an AMAZING job; I cannot wait to show everyone what you did!”  Dr. Karp’s “gossiping” technique, whether it is gossiping to a toy or to a person in the general vicinity might be more acceptable.  Waiting a few minutes, or even waiting until the next day to deliver praise can be helpful.  It sounds great to follow the strategies listed in the parenting blogs and in magazines, but if you have a sensitive child, you have already learned that things sometimes have to be altered to fit your child’s needs.  This is just another example!

Another suggestion is to put more effort into modeling how to handle slip-ups.  Kids need to know that we make mistakes and don’t always succeed.  We look so powerful and accomplished to young children.  We know that we have our limits and faults, but kids don’t always see it that way.  Explicitly tell your child when you make a mistake, and talk about your feelings and how you make yourself feel OK with not being perfect.  This can go a long way to helping a sensitive child handle praise.

Looking for more information on helping sensitive kids?  Read What Helps Sensitive Kids Handle Haircuts? and Holidays Hints For Sensitive Kids.  Sensitivity is common in gifted kids, so read  Sensitivity and Gifted Children: The Mind That Floods With Feeling and in kids with sensory processing disorder Sensory Sensitivity In Toddlers: Why Responding Differently to “Yucky!” Will Help Your Child.

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What Psychologists Just Don’t Get About Raising Gifted Toddlers

myung-won-seo-675403-unsplashI can’t take it any longer.  If I hear one more professional on YouTube say that the difficulties begin when your child enters school, I am gonna cry.  Real tears.  For those younger kids.  And their parents.

CNN just ran a story in which a psychologist suggested not telling kids that they are “that special”.  To help them feel more like other kids.  Well, I can tell you straight up that a child who feels empathy for the rocks and the kids in far-off countries, or who cannot tolerate the intense lighting or sounds in his classroom, is WAITING to understand why this is happening.  Knowing that it is commonly a part of being gifted would be a relief, not a burden.  But this professional might not know the range of experiences that giftedness brings, only the scores on the test.

Ask a parent of a gifted toddler how easy their life is, or how easy their child’s life is, and you will very often hear a tale of frustration and sometimes even exhaustion.  The life of a super-quick mind at 1 and 2 isn’t all charming enrichment activities at the zoo and the museum.  Sure, it isn’t as difficult as when they are 7 and have no friends to discuss paleontology with, or no one to play soccer with at 5 because their skills so exceed everyone else, but it is still not that easy.

Here are a few situations that make raising (and being) a very young gifted child a struggle that can be misinterpreted as temperament or developmental issues:

  1. Gifted development is often extremely asynchronous at this age.  Translation: “all over the place”.  Gifted toddlers can be delayed in their motor skills and hugely advanced in their reasoning or language skills. Or the other way around. They can have sensory sensitivities that create tolerance issues to tags, lights, noise and more.  Either way, it can be hard to be in a body that doesn’t match your mind.  And hard to raise a child with asynchronous development.  A child’s seemingly never-ending frustration about what they can’t accomplish and their strong skills that cannot be acted on make things tough at home and school.  For example, a child that can read chapter books at 2.5 into the night, but needs to sleep for 10 hours so they aren’t angry and exhausted tomorrow is going to give you a real argument.  Like a Supreme Court-level argument.  Again and again, night after night.  Gifted toddlers often like circle time because they get to answer questions, but they might refuse to participate in activities that they find boring.  They are seen as oppositional or even assumed to be unable to participate, when if fact they find sticking cotton balls on paper silly.
  2. Toys for typical young children anticipate normal, evenly displayed development.  This means that the knobs on microscopes and the gears on building toys aren’t made for the toddler who can conceive of an amazing building.  The toys they want aren’t great for them and they toys they can manage are not exciting.  Unless….they take them apart or melt them down to make something else. OOPS!
  3. Very young gifted children who are supposed to be developing social skills like sharing and cooperating are distinctly not motivated to do so with peers that are still non-verbal or have limited imaginative abilities.   If they have access to older kids, they may be thrilled to have playmates a few years ahead of them, but if they don’t, they are more likely to avoid their peers.  Parents are tasked with finding children that their gifted toddler can enjoy in play, and handle the questions from other parents about why their child simply “doesn’t like playing with my kid?  That is beyond awkward.  It sounds like boasting to a lot of people, but when your child is bored with his peers, it’s a real social problem for everybody!
  4. Parents find the high energy level and interactional demands exhausting.  Not all young gifted kids are like the Sheldon Cooper character on Big Bang Theory.  Lots of gifted toddlers love to ask questions and discuss things, love to be active all day long.  They aren’t old enough to roam the web or go to the library.  They want your attention.  Short naps and even short sleep cycles without any fatigue or behavior problems are one way to spot a gifted toddler.  Those brains don’t always need as much sleep as typically developing kids.  That means a lot more demands on parents and caregivers.  If you have been dogged all day by a toddler that won’t let go of a discussion, you might wish (a bit) that your kid wasn’t so S-M-A-R-T!

Why don’t psychologists seem to get this?  I am going to go out on a limb and say that unless they have raised their own gifted kids, they don’t interact with very young gifted kids in their clinics or research facilities.  Until they can formally test them, they aren’t on the radar of these professionals.  But it doesn’t mean they don’t exist.  Out here in the real world, I treat about 3 toddlers that appear to be highly gifted each year.  And I see what struggles they and their families go through.  Being misdiagnosed isn’t without it’s costs.  I wrote a bit about how to sense that your child might be misdiagnosed in Is Your Kid With ADHD Also Gifted, or is Your Team Missing Their Giftedness?

 

Read more about gifted children and the challenges of being gifted in  Raising a Gifted Child? Read “A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children” For Successful Strategies  How To Spot A Gifted Child In Your Preschool Class (Or Your Living Room!) and How To Talk So Your Gifted Child Will Listen.

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