Tag Archives: parenting

Career Planning for Teens with JRA, EDS, and Other Chronic Health Issues

andre-hunter-702310-unsplash

 

It is graduation time here in the U.S.  Kids (and parents) are thinking about the future.  But when your teen has chronic health conditions, the future can be uncertain and the decisions more complicated.  I know that the saying “Do what you love and you won’t have to work another day of your life” is very popular, but the truth is that career planning is much more than finding your passions.

Here are a few things to think about:

  1. Every teen needs to learn about their interests and their skills.  Regardless of medical concerns or limitations, picking a career path that doesn’t match any strong interests is a plan almost certain to fail.  It’s not just that doing what you are drawn to feels good.  There is a medical reason to pick a career that they don’t hate;  if the greatest part of the day or week will require them to do tasks they dislike or find boring, they are at risk for stress-related flares in their condition. Similar concerns exist when a career choice doesn’t match their skills.  Loving what you do but not having the right skills or talents is very frustrating.  It could be harder to get and keep a job without good skills.  Help your teen identify what interests them about life and school, and where they truly shine.  If your teen hasn’t had a chance to observe people working in the profession(s) they find interesting, make sure that they do so before they invest time and money in training.
  2. Look at potential careers with an eye to benefits, job demands and scheduling flexibility.  Most adults with chronic health conditions want to be employed, and every one of them will need health insurance.  In the U.S., that means finding a job that provides insurance or purchasing individual coverage after aging out of family policy coverage options at age 26.  Generous sick days and personal days are perks every employee desires, but for people with a chronic illness, those benefits allow for medical treatments and rest during periods of symptom flares.  Think carefully about the working environments common to a particular career path.  Some careers will have a high-stress pathway (i.e. trial attorney) but also less demanding types of work within the profession.  Other careers require a high degree of physical stamina and skill.  These may not be the jobs you would think of right away as physically demanding.  For example, preschool teachers and hairdressers are on their feet most of the day, every day!
  3. Career planning and completing required training while living with a chronic and possibly progressive condition may require outside support.  Teens that have been able to perform in high school without any compensations such as 504 plans may need more help in college.  Higher education often expects more independence and more mobility (think large campuses and internships) from students.  Most universities have an office for disabled students. Their staff will work with students with disabilities to create a plan, but it is the student’s responsibility to inform the office of specific needs and to develop strategies with the staff and faculty.  If your teen doesn’t want to be “identified” as disabled, this is the time to talk about being proactive and positive.  Finding assistance and receiving effective support could make all the difference.
  4. Explore local and online support groups.   Adults with your teen’s medical issues may have useful strategies or tales of caution that will help you develop a plan or expose problems that you haven’t anticipated.  Remember that personal stories are just that: personal.  Experiences are quite variable and it is difficult or impossible to  predict another person’s path.

brevite-434273

 

 

 

Advertisements

Negotiating With Toddlers? Why They Think That 90/10 Is A Good Deal

 

dawid-sobolewski-285650

Toddlers can make you doubt your sanity.  They really can.  How can a crushed cookie be the end of the universe as they know it?  Why do they think you can make more cookies appear on demand?  And how to explain to this person that thinks you hung the moon that you simply cannot erase crayon marks?

This post is an effort to explain how to successfully negotiate (most of the time) with children 18 months to 5 years old.  It is based on The Happiest Toddler on the Block strategies by Dr. Harvey Karp.  Once I learned his techniques, I never looked back and became a toddler whisperer.  Really.  You need to embrace his two most important ideas and then you are ready to hit the negotiating table with your toddler.

Dr. Karp’s most basic concept is that you need to understand that the toddler brain isn’t capable of much logical thinking due to immaturity.  This means that they cannot negotiate well, even when calm.  It gets better as they get older, so a 4 year-old will have flashes of rational negotiation, and an 18 month-old may never get it.  She can’t.  Her brain simply doesn’t “do” rational well at all until that frontal cortex is mature.  The other concept is true for negotiation with anyone, including your partner and your boss.  You have to see their side of the story and communicate to them that you are aware of their feelings….whether or not you agree with them!

Agreeing that they get 2 more bedtime stories but not a snack as well, agreeing that they get the giraffe cup but can’t spill half of it on the new carpet to make a pattern, agreeing that they can wear pajamas to the park but only with shoes are all successes.  Tell them that you understand that wearing Spiderman jammies is indeed cooler with Spiderman sneakers helps them negotiate the deal.  Honestly saying that you are too tired to read 6 more books using an exaggerated yawn and a sad look helps.  You need to go night-night too.  They may be able to see your perspective since they are tired as well (but may never admit it to you).

So here is where your paradigm shift happens.  You have to be OK with deals that seem unfair to you.   Adults want a 50/50 split at the very least.  But you aren’t negotiating with another adult.  Be prepared to leave your ego at the door.  If you are the kind of person that needs to be right, you are going to fail at toddler negotiation.  Toddlers negotiate from the heart and with heart.  A mature sense of fairness isn’t going to be helpful with an irrational mind.  Hint:  if you have ever had a totally irrational boss that you actually liked when things weren’t exploding all over the office, you will have had some experience with the toddler mind.

Successful initial negotiations with a toddler often yield a 90/10 split.  90% for them, and 10% for you.  If they walk away happy,  you should too.  This is why this is not only a good deal for you, it is the only way to teach fairness in negotiation: toddlers start out expecting 100%.  A 90% deal is, in their mind, having given in big-time. But if they feel OK about it and life goes on, you won.  If you can manage that, the next negotiation could be 80/20.

Many toddlers cannot manage this when tired, overwhelmed, hungry, etc.  So negotiations can start over something simple, something that doesn’t matter very much to either party, and when things are calm.  You are teaching a skill, not making a business deal.  But the results could make everyone’s life a lot calmer in the end!

Low Tone and Toilet Training: What You Can Learn From Elimination Communication Theory

Yes, those folks who hold a 6 month-old over the toilet and let her defecate directly into the potty, not into a Pamper.  Elimination Communication (EC) has committed fans, as well as people who think it is both useless and even punishing to kids.  I am not taking sides here, but there is one thing that should get even the skeptics thinking:  a large portion of the developing world deals with babies and elimination this way.  It is very hard to buy a disposable diaper in Nepal, and it is a problem finding water to wash cloth diapers in the Sahara.  I know there are a bunch of parents who roll their eyes whenever EC comes up, but some aspects of the process could help you train your child to use the toilet.  Why not consider what you could learn from EC that will help your child?

CBV06-custom-comfort-potty-d-1

First, parents who practice EC become very very good at anticipating when their kids are going to need the toilet.  Signs such as grunting, flexing the trunk forward, even facial expressions are quickly noted.  If you spend a lot of time watching your child then you probably know some of the signs.  This makes it easier to tell them to sit on the potty when their attempts will actually be successful.  You can also help them connect the physical feelings they are reacting to with language.  Telling them that when they get that feeling in their belly, they need to go use the toilet sounds so obvious to us.  But if you are little, you need help connecting the dots.  If you are little and have learning issues, you need to hear it more often and stated clearly.

Secondly, EC counts on knowing that reflexive intestinal movement happens about 30 minutes after food enters the stomach, and kidneys dump urine into the bladder about 30-45 minutes after a big drink.  Unless your child has digestive issues, this is a good start to create your initial potty schedule plan.  Kids with constipation or slow stomach emptying may take longer, but you already know that you have to work on those issues as well to be successful in toilet training.  Remember, if your child is roaming the house with a sippy cup, it is going to be a lot harder to time a pee break so that they have a full bladder (remember the issue with poor proprioception of pressure in low tone?).  If not, check out  Why Low Muscle Tone Creates More Toilet Training Struggles for Toddlers (and Parents!)  Toilet training is a good time to limit drinking to larger amounts at meals and snacks.  This will work for preschool preparation as well.  Most programs would not allow your child to wander with a cup for hygiene reasons, and you are helping them get off the “sippy cup syndrome”, in which children trade bottle chewing for sippy cup slurping.

Think that embracing EC fully will fast-track your kid?  Not necessarily.  In fact, some EC kids struggle to become more separated from a parent as they are not cradled any longer while “making”.  Taking responsibility for their own hygiene and awareness can be harder for some very attached children than if they were using diapers and used them independently.  But EC concepts are something to think about carefully when you are making your plan to help your child with low muscle tone.

 

 

First Father’s Day? You Might Be the Best Baby Calmer In The House

Fathers are often the partners that jump right into practicing the Happiest Baby on the Block techniques.  They “shush” loud and long, they do the quick jiggle (for swinging) with enthusiasm, and they can usually use just one arm to support a newborn on it’s side to calm them.  Moms are in awe of their guy who couldn’t stand to change a diaper and was too nervous to even hold that baby a few weeks ago.  Go, Daddy!

Women do not have the corner on the comforting market.  Yes, they can nurse a baby to calm them, but not every fussy baby is a hungry baby.  Men can be a warm, yet rock-solid, source of physical comfort for children.  The Happiest Baby techniques seem more intense than a standard soft cuddle.  It’s because they are more intense.  Not dangerous in any way, but designed to give newborns a replication of the more sensory-rich womb experience .  Dr. Karp’s awareness of temperament and early development refine that basic concept to give newborns what they need to pull it together, get calm, and get some sleep.  Giving them more touch, more movement and more loud and steady white-noise sounds all together is the key.  The fact is that learning these techniques are new to moms as well helps a father not be intimidated by the “natural” knowledge of women.  The truth is that no one is born knowing what to do, and you can’t google it either.  The parents I teach are pretty much on a level playing field for this stuff.  And the men sometimes amaze me with their new skills.

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads who have stepped up their game, and mastered the easy way to calm their newborns!

 

Teach ASD and Sensory Kids How to Manage Aggression

Little boys as young as 2 use play fighting, crashing, and even pretend killing in their play, without anger or intentional destruction or injury. Is this a very bad thing?   I was challenged this week three separate times to explain why I would initiate physical play that can look aggressive (think crashing cars or our ninja pictures fighting each other) with younger boys that struggle with behavior issues in daily life.  These little boys aren’t good at managing aggressive impulses, at using words to express thoughts, or handling all the excitement that physical play brings out in them.  Their teachers often have to stop all aggressive play at school if the administration has a zero-tolerance policy.  But someone has to help all the little guys figure out how to express their desire to get physical without getting into trouble or injuring someone.

I told the parents of the boys I treat that I want to provide a safe space for them to learn how to express their aggressive tendencies, and to witness an adult modeling how to be physical, have fun, and do it all with respect and affection.  To learn all that, they needed an adult who was not automatically forbidding aggressive physical play.

If I forbid all pushing, grabbing, growling, shouting in fun, then those aggressive behaviors are almost certainly going to come out as defiance and even destructive behaviors that will require a loss of a privilege or even a time out.  Feelings and impulses don’t evaporate.  They go somewhere, and they can go to places that are much less constructive than crashing cars together on a warm spring day.

For little boys who have issues like sensory processing disorder or autism, it is absolutely essential to teach them how to manage aggressive play in order for them to succeed in the wider world.  That is everyone’s goal, to be able to play happily in a mainstreamed environment and without adults controlling the events.  These kids often don’t manage any of their emotions well, becoming overwhelmed very quickly.    They can have difficulty following what other kids are doing once the wilder play gets going.  They can’t stop their actions when another child says “stop” or change to another game.  And they don’t read subtle cues that the game is changing or that their behavior is not appropriate for the current game.

Teaching specific strategies and practicing them with trusted adults can go a long way to building success on the playground.  Pediatric occupational therapists who trained with the amazing occupational therapist Patricia Wilbarger and her crew of therapists that pioneered sensory diets know about “play wrestling” for deep pressure input.  That is the kind of physical activity that calms kids down and helps them gain positional awareness.  Modeling specific safe ways to engage someone else physically, what to say when you have had enough, what to do when the other guy is saying “STOP”, and demonstrating how to be silly without being physically intrusive are all important.  Simply instructing a child without modeling the behaviors and playing with them isn’t as effective.  Adults have to get in there and communicate using kid’s play, speak about emotions and interests, and have fun!

 

 

 

Welcome to Your Child’s Brain: Book Review

Ever wonder if all the recommendations and “new” ways to raise your children are based on anything scientific? Well, “Welcome to Your Child’s Brain” will explain the current research behind popular recommendations such as eating fish during pregnancy and teaching your child another language while still in diapers.

Authors Sam Wang, PhD. and Sandra Aamodt, PhD. have written a book that is filled with useful information about brain development from the fetal stage all the way through the teenage years. Ever wonder what your 3-month old really sees? It’s in here. Why does your toddler son enjoy block play so much more than your neighbor’s toddler daughter? It’s in here. If you love science, you will love this book. if you just want to know how to get your toddler to eat spinach or whether watching baby videos will harm your child, you will love this book.

Issues like autism and ADHD are covered, as well as current research on language and math education. This book includes plenty of detail about regions of the brain understood to support all manner of thought, action and emotion. But just when you have had enough of the brain science, they give you a “Practical Tip” section that distills down the research into some information that you can really use today.

“Welcome to Your Child’s Brain” is worth the reading time. You will be amazed at what current neuroscience knows about your child!

Book Review: Bringing Up Bebe’

Pamela Druckerman had me when she described the French behavior management technique  “le gros jeux” or “the big eyes”.   I know plenty about those big eyes, but the stern glance I recall was coming from my Croatian-American father.   Although he was born here, he was raised in a strong European community and his approach to life was firmly rooted in the old country values.  That absolutely included how to discipline children. Getting “the look” from him was more than enough to know I was approaching the point where action would be taken, with or without a commentary in Croatian on how kids are different these days. Turns out, they do “the look” in France too.  It’s just called something, well, French.  

The author has written an amusing and readable book which follows her from pregnancy to becoming a mother of one daughter and twin sons.  She describes learning about the traditional French method of raising children from both new friends and experts in child development.  Her book might inspire families to consider an alternative to modern American approaches, but after a few chapters it will be evident that there is going to be something lost in translation. American parents may not have family and friends who support raising children using strategies that are not commonplace here.  In addition, French parents are fortunate to have extensive paid family leave, subsidized high-quality child care, and health care/education policies that make the French approach to raising children easier.

I encourage readers who are curious about how families in other cultures raise their children to pick up “Bringing Up Bebe'” with a croissant and a cafe’ au lait.  Enjoy!