Tag Archives: parenting defiant children

What To Say When Your Child Says “I Hate You!”

 

daiga-ellaby-699111-unsplashIt happens to almost every parent.  It could happen when your child is a fuming preschooler, or a haughty tween.  Doesn’t matter.  It still hurts.  A lot.  Even the sweetest child can hurl one of these statements out when they don’t get what they want or aren’t allowed to do something.

The biggest question isn’t “Why are they saying that?” but “How do I respond?”  There are a few choices I can think of that don’t involve nasty threats or violence.  Let’s drill down and see if there is one that rises above the crowd:

  • “But I love YOU!”  Hardly ever a winner.  Said with a warm smile or through gritted teeth, this rarely works well to alter a child’s attitude.  It seems that they work harder to explain why they are so annoyed/disgusted/irritated with you.
  • “Don’t you ever speak to me that way again!”  Well, you have drawn your line in the sand.  Let’s hope you have a consequence that you are willing to administer, because it is likely that you will be hearing this again.  Maybe soon.
  • “Wow, that hurts me”  OK, that sounds heartfelt and honest.  The problem is that at this moment, your child may be trying to hurt you.  You have just informed your child that success has been achieved.  In the long run they probably aren’t sociopaths, and they probably will regret hurting you.  But right now?  They aren’t in a place in which they care about your feelings as much as you’d like.

 

And the answer that might just work?

  • ” You are really, really mad at me right now”  Stating how they feel using a fraction of the energy and emotion that your child is spewing is, wait for it….The Happiest Toddler on the Block’s Fast Food Rule.  Yes, the same strategy you use when your two year-old’s cookie falls on the floor can help you with this situation as well.  Because making it clear to the upset person that you “get” them, even if you don’t agree with them, can dissipate some of the indignant venom fast.  You might have to repeat it again after you hear more words about what an idiot you are, or what a bad mommy you are.  Only after you see that they have dialed down some of the venom can you offer a solution, a trade, or a bit of commiseration.  Why?  Because jumping in too soon sends the message that what you’d truly like is to shut them up.  That will not be good.

Want more information on THTOTB strategies?  Read Help Your Child Develop Self-Regulation With Happiest Toddler On The Block and Stretch Your Toddler’s Patience, Starting Today!.

Defiant Kids Can Change With Dr. Kazdin’s Simple Plans

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Dr. Alan Kazdin wrote “The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child” in 2008. His follow-up book, “The Everyday Parent Toolkit” came later.   He is the director of the Yale Parenting Center, and he has seen some hardcore kids.  You do not get the feeling that he has treated a lot of children younger than 2, and based on the techniques he uses, it seems like a child would need more cognition and language than a young toddler to respond well without adaptations.   Not a problem: Dr. Karp created the Happiest Toddler on the Block, and he has done a great job dealing with defiant 18-month-olds.   Read Why Telling Your Child “It’s OK” Doesn’t Calm Him Down (And What To Do Instead) and  Toddler Demands? Give it in Fantasy! for some good strategies that work.  if you r preschool child has already lobbed some hateful statements at you, read What To Say When Your Child Says “I Hate You!” .  But if your kindergartener refuses to go to bed or your teenager won’t do her homework, this Kazdin guy has really helpful ideas for you!

Dr. Alan Kazdin’s books can change the dynamic for families that feel their life is one battle after another.  If you have embraced the idea that you can target defiance through behavioral science, then he is already preaching to your choir. If not, you might be wary. The funny thing is, when you are using the program, it doesn’t feel that much like science.  You feel like you are connecting with your child’s better nature.  He has crafted strategies that really work.  The biggest drawback is that if you make too many beginner mistakes it will seem as if it is never going to work.  I recommend that parents actually read the books and understand the principles he is using to change a child’s behavior.  This is one of those techniques that you can’t learn in a 900-word article in a magazine.  You might be inspired in a short article, but you won’t learn enough to “take it on the road” and really use it.

Bonus:  understanding a child’s behavior helps us understand the impact of rewards and consequences on our bosses, our mates and on ourselves!

I liked his first book, but I don’t think it took off in parenting circles.   I am going to guess that his first book was a little intimidating for some parents, as it does a very thorough job of explaining how behavioral plans work.  Not every parent wants to think of their star chart in terms like “positive reinforcers” and letting go of the chart as “extinction of reinforcers with intermittent rewards”.  His second book, “The Everyday Parent Toolkit” is a little more user-friendly, but still gets his message across.  The truth is that all of our interactions can be viewed through a behavioral lens.  When a child is refusing to do their homework, telling you that you are the worst parent ever, and then breaking the lamp, it might be time to explore a strategy that takes out some of the drama and focuses on how you really want your evening to go.

Dr. Kazdin is very focused on positive interactions and warm exchanges. He is aware that adult stressors make reacting calmly to a screaming child harder, and screaming children create stress for adults.  He has sympathy for everyone, but sees parents as the agent of change in this situation.  He is like the white-coated scientist with a “Mr. Rogers” sweater on underneath!

My suggestion:  read both books and think about how to start out small.  Attack a small problem behavior first, then refine your approach as you address some of the bigger defiant behaviors.  And consider reading “The Happiest Toddler on the Block” if your child has a cognitive age of less than 6.  Many of those techniques will be even easier to implement and work very well to smooth out the waters so that Kazdin’s techniques work better and faster!

Not sure you want to do this alone?  Visit my website tranquil babies and purchase a consultation session.  I do phone sessions with parents to help them craft a plan and provide support along the way.  Being able to ask questions and tell your story can make such a difference in how you see your child and yourself!

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