Tag Archives: happiest toddler on the block

Help Your Child Develop Self-Regulation With Happiest Toddler On The Block

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Children start learning self-regulation early.  Most kids eventually become reasonably skilled at it, given some help from loving adults.  The problem is they don’t learn it quickly.  Self-regulation takes a long time to become established in the slowly-developing brain of a young child.  While you are scooping up the puddle of Jell-O that used to be your toddler before she dropped her ice cream cone, think about how you can use this moment to build her ability to come back to a calm state:

  1.   Reflect her emotions without denying them or taking them on.  After all, you know that it isn’t the end of the world.  But at that moment, she can’t see it.  She is sad and maybe even angry.  Use the Fast Food Rule Use The Fast Food Rule For Better Attunement With Your Child to state what happened and how you think she feels.  Remember to use lots of gestures and alter your vocal tone to convey empathy.  Don’t be placid; after all, she needs to know that you get how unhappy this has made her.  Kids tune into your expressions much more than your words at this age.  You may think you should be soothingly quiet, but she is thinking ” You don’t see my pain!!”
  2. Make sure she knows that you care about what happened, and use this moment to identify what she is feeling.  Even if you intend to get her another cone, allowed her to be upset for a very brief period, and let her know that we call that feeling “sad”.  Kids depend on us to explain what happened to the dinosaurs, how to eat with a fork, and also how to identify and manage emotions.  Take that moment to explain that there is a name for what she is feeling, and that it is normal and understandable, even if you intend to fix it with another ice cream.
  3. Ask her if she wants another ice cream cone, but not too soon.  Sometimes children aren’t ready for our solutions, even if they do want them, and presenting one too early gives a message that we never intended:  I can’t handle your pain, you can’t either, and I need to fix it right away.  Look for that shift in body language, eye contact or verbal connection that tells you she is starting to pull herself together before you jump in with a solution.

 

If you find yourself more upset than your child, their pain ripping through you, take a moment to look inside and see what experiences in your past are contributing to this feeling.  You may have been taught the same lesson early in your own childhood.  If you received the message that pain is unbearable and should be avoided at all costs, you are not alone.  Well, I am going to tell you that an important part of your life, and a part of your child’s life is all about learning to feel feelings without fear and come back to a good place after a difficult experience.

Bad things happen to us all, and the most important lesson you can teach your child at this moment is that she can handle this feeling and come through it.  With your support, and with the support of other people who love her, she will get through the loss of her ice cream and other losses in life as well.

And it can start with how to handle the loss of an ice cream cone….!

 

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Why Telling Your Child “It’s OK” Doesn’t Calm Him Down (And What To Do Instead)

 

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In a few months I will be doing another lecture on managing difficult toddler behaviors, and I can’t wait.  I love teaching parents, therapists and caregivers how to help young children manage their most difficult behaviors.   The responses that most therapists dread (crying, whining, tantrums, etc.) are the ones I hope will happen in a session with a parent.  Why?  So I can demonstrate and explain how to handle these tricky moments.  How you respond to your child can do more than help you get them into the car and back home.  It can teach them how to deal with their feelings and how to communicate them to other people.

When faced with a crying child, telling them “It’s O.K.” right away seems to be the most natural response in the world.  For one thing, it is usually the truth; you can clean up the broken cookie and get another, their bump is a minor scratch, and they have another blue crayon to replace the one that rolled under the couch.  And we want to help them feel better; comforting an upset child is what we do as caring adults.

But for many kids, telling them “It’s OK”  elicits more crying, if not some wailing and even physical responses like throwing things or hitting.  You go over to console them, and they might even push you away.  The baby that used to melt into your arms is now a toddler, rejecting your best efforts at comfort!

Why?  Very likely because your response did not show them that you understand the gravity of the situation and the pain they are experiencing.  I know, pain from a broken cookie? Really? Well, when you are 18 months old, you can’t always comprehend that there could be more cookies in the cupboard.  The horror of seeing your favorite treat destroyed in front of you is just too great.  And the feelings inside of you really do hurt.  Young children need two things to recover:  someone to say that they know what your problem is and for that person to say that they are aware that you feel this way.

Note that I did not say that the other person has to agree that it is the end of your toddler world.  The adult is only agreeing that something has happened and that you feel badly about it.  As adults, we don’t always remember a toddler’s perspective, and we invalidate it more than we think we do.  This is why telling your child “It’s OK” is heard as “Your complain is without merit, sir, and you have no right to feel angry or sad about it”.

You would never intend to say that to your child, and yet that is the message many children get when you rush in too soon with this response.  

What could you say instead?  I first use Dr. Harvey Karp’s Fast Food Rule combined with his Toddler-Use communication style to respond to an upset child.  It is fairly simple:  State what you believe your child is thinking in simple phrases that match their comprehension level when upset (which is always less than when they are calm) and matches their emotional tone by 1/3.  So if your child is screaming  “COOKIE, COOKIE, COOKIE!!!” and you know that her cookie fell on the sidewalk into the mud, your response has to be similarly short and heartfelt.  Something like “COOKIE BROKEN!  You want cookie!” tells the sad story of what has happened to her snack.

This can be enough validation to calm her down a bit, as seen by a decrease in the volume of her screaming, more eye contact with you, and even a sad nod.  NOW it is time for consolation, and perhaps the offer of an alternate snack.  You have shown that you know her problem and her pain.  She has felt understood and her feelings accepted, and may now be ready for a resolution to this crisis.  If she continues to scream, repeat your statement once or twice while further shortening your words and slightly increasing the emotion in your voice/the emphasis of your gestures.  Sometimes it takes the toddler brain a moment to process.  Give her that time.

Good luck trying out this approach with the next upset toddler or preschooler you encounter.  I promise you, communicating your empathy and modeling acceptance of feelings delivers more than a calmer child.  It teaches important emotional skills and deepens the connection between you.

And it all started with a broken cookie….

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Address A Child’s Defiance Without Crushing Their Spirit

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Kids that defy adult instructions, even instructions that are ultimately for their benefit, often get begged or threatened into compliance.  Pleading with your child to pick up their mess, or threatening your child that those toys on the floor will be given to a charity shop isn’t always going to work.

Why? Probably because your child is waiting you out.  Children are wise observers of what works and what doesn’t, so they know you will eventually clean things up and they are fully aware that toys never disappear after a threat.

If you are tired of pleading and threatening, I have a strategy that could make you less aggravated and even ultimately boost your child’s self-esteem.  It works best with children that have at least a 30-month cognitive and language level.  This means that if you have an older developmentally delayed child that is unable to comprehend a request with a reward attached (“If you give me the shoe, I will get your milk”) then you should try a less complex strategy until they can understand this concept.

The idea is simple:  you make a request and if no response is elicited, you explain that they have a choice.  Not complying will result in a consequence they can see.  After the consequence is imposed, you offer the child another chance to make things right by following a slightly different direction or offering a “re-do”.  There is no “1-2-3” counting, because if you are certain that your child has understood your initial request and the explanation of the consequence, those were already the “one” and the two” of the countdown.  Your execution of the consequence is the “three”.  Good enough for me!

The trickiest parts of this strategy are the maintenance of a warm tone while your beloved child is defying you, and your quick thinking to identify a later task that allows them to save face while complying with your second request.  Do not think I haven’t had to act warm and friendly when inviting a difficult child to give participation another try.  I remind myself that I am the adult in the situation, and my job is to model calmness and teach skills, not get the upper hand on a 4 year-old.

I have also made up some pointless tasks such as rearranging boxes on a shelf, just to have an easy and successful task to offer them after the first consequence is delivered.  The younger the child, the less they will realize that Job #2 was only a chance for them to know that I am not rejecting them in any way.   I could say it, but actions speak louder than words.

Here is what this strategy looks like with a young child:

Adult:  “Please pick up all the cars, and then we can go have our yummy lunch.”

Child:   Looks at you, shakes her head and runs to the fridge. 

Adult:  ” Here is your choice:  pick up your cars and put them in the bin, or they will sit in their bin on top of the fridge until after dinner.”  Adult points to the fridge and/or taps the top to clarify what that means.

Child:   Gets a spoon from a drawer and stands by the fridge, no acknowledgment of your  directions.

Adult:  Uses The Happiest Toddler Kind Ignoring strategy and turns away from the child and waits next to the car pile for about 15 seconds for a positive response.  If the child doesn’t return, the adult puts the cars into the bin without more discussion, and places the bin on top of the fridge.

Child:  Cries, recognizing that a consequence has been delivered.

Adult:  Uses a disappointed but calm tone :  “I am sad too, because now we have to wait to play cars.” Adult’s body language and tone brightens. “Would you like to try listening again?  Please give me the blocks and I will stack them.”  Adult begins to stack very slowly to allow the child to consider her choice, and warmly welcomes the child’s help.

Child:   Begins to hand blocks to the adult.

Adult:  “You did a great job helping me!  Thank you!  Let’s go have our lunch!”

This can go south with strong-willed children, tired children and even some hungry children. I don’t recommend letting kids get super-tired or starving and then setting them up to lose.   Some kids are feeling great, but they draw a line in the sand and decide that they aren’t budging.  They won’t back down.  I express my disappointment in the outcome (no car play) but not in the child.  I don’t tell them I am disappointed in their behavior, because for a young child, they may not always be able to distinguish themselves from their behavior.  They will always be able to see the result: no cars.

I keep calm and impose consequences unless things go from defiance to aggression.  Then I consider a time-out strategy.  Aggression should never be ignored, because that is as good as approving of aggression.  In this age of zero-tolerance in schools, no one is doing any favors to a child by inadvertently teaching them that aggressive behavior is inconsequential.  They will find out soon enough that other people feel very differently about it.

Young kids will defy you.  I guarantee it.  Responding to defiance with limit setting doesn’t have to damage them or your connection with them.   Addressing defiance in this way can build a more positive relationship while making it very clear that there are consequences to not listening to you.

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Negotiating With Toddlers? Why They Think That 90/10 Is A Good Deal

 

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Toddlers can make you doubt your sanity.  They really can.  How can a crushed cookie be the end of the universe as they know it?  Why do they think you can make more cookies appear on demand?  And how to explain to this person that thinks you hung the moon that you simply cannot erase crayon marks?

This post is an effort to explain how to successfully negotiate (most of the time) with children 18 months to 5 years old.  It is based on The Happiest Toddler on the Block strategies by Dr. Harvey Karp.  Once I learned his techniques, I never looked back and became a toddler whisperer.  Really.  You need to embrace his two most important ideas and then you are ready to hit the negotiating table with your toddler.

Dr. Karp’s most basic concept is that you need to understand that the toddler brain isn’t capable of much logical thinking due to immaturity.  This means that they cannot negotiate well, even when calm.  It gets better as they get older, so a 4 year-old will have flashes of rational negotiation, and an 18 month-old may never get it.  She can’t.  Her brain simply doesn’t “do” rational well at all until that frontal cortex is mature.  The other concept is true for negotiation with anyone, including your partner and your boss.  You have to see their side of the story and communicate to them that you are aware of their feelings….whether or not you agree with them!

Agreeing that they get 2 more bedtime stories but not a snack as well, agreeing that they get the giraffe cup but can’t spill half of it on the new carpet to make a pattern, agreeing that they can wear pajamas to the park but only with shoes are all successes.  Tell them that you understand that wearing Spiderman jammies is indeed cooler with Spiderman sneakers helps them negotiate the deal.  Honestly saying that you are too tired to read 6 more books using an exaggerated yawn and a sad look helps.  You need to go night-night too.  They may be able to see your perspective since they are tired as well (but may never admit it to you).

So here is where your paradigm shift happens.  You have to be OK with deals that seem unfair to you.   Adults want a 50/50 split at the very least.  But you aren’t negotiating with another adult.  Be prepared to leave your ego at the door.  If you are the kind of person that needs to be right, you are going to fail at toddler negotiation.  Toddlers negotiate from the heart and with heart.  A mature sense of fairness isn’t going to be helpful with an irrational mind.  Hint:  if you have ever had a totally irrational boss that you actually liked when things weren’t exploding all over the office, you will have had some experience with the toddler mind.

Successful initial negotiations with a toddler often yield a 90/10 split.  90% for them, and 10% for you.  If they walk away happy,  you should too.  This is why this is not only a good deal for you, it is the only way to teach fairness in negotiation: toddlers start out expecting 100%.  A 90% deal is, in their mind, having given in big-time. But if they feel OK about it and life goes on, you won.  If you can manage that, the next negotiation could be 80/20.

Many toddlers cannot manage this when tired, overwhelmed, hungry, etc.  So negotiations can start over something simple, something that doesn’t matter very much to either party, and when things are calm.  You are teaching a skill, not making a business deal.  But the results could make everyone’s life a lot calmer in the end!

Is is Sensory Or Is It Behavior? Before 3, The Answer Is Usually “Yes!”

If I had a dollar for every parent that asked me if head banging when frustrated means their child has a sensory processing disorder...well, I would be writing this post from a suite in Tahiti!  Modulation of arousal is the most common sensory processing concern for the parents that I see as a pediatric occupational therapist.  Their children struggle to transition, don’t handle change well, and can’t shift gears easily.  But hold on.  A lot of this behavior in children  under 3 is developmental in nature.  Not all, but a lot.  Parsing it out and addressing it takes a paradigm shift.  Not every annoying or difficult behavior is atypical for age and temperament.

Everyone knows that you can’t expect your infant to self-regulate.  Nobody tells their baby “Just wait a little; why can’t you be like your brother and sit quietly for a minute?”  But why do adults assume that once a child can speak and walk a bit that they can handle frustration, wait patiently, and calm down quickly?

I know parents WANT that to be the case.  Toddlers are a handful on a good day.  Adorable silliness can melt your heart, but getting smacked by an angry child that was just given a consequence for trying to put your cell phone in the toilet to see if it would float?  Nah, that isn’t going to put a smile on your face.  Parents tell me “If they could only understand that when I say “wait”, I mean that you will get what you want, just not immediately.”  But no.  The toddler brain grows very slowly, and even the super-bright children who read at 3 cannot make their emotional brain grow any faster.  Sorry.  Really.   This brain thing means years of developing communication and regulation skills.

Here is the good news:  Even young children with clear sensory-based behaviors do better when your responses to their behaviors help them self-calm.  The recipe is simple to describe.  You give limits based on age, use familiar routines, teach emotional language and responses by modeling, and communicate effectively.  The Happiest Toddler strategies have transformed my work because children feel listened to but I don’t give in to toddler terrorists.  Everybody wins.

Here is the bad news:  You have to change your behavior in order to help them.  And you have to do it consistently and with loving acceptance of their limitations.  “Behavior” isn’t just their problem.  It is both of yours.  Take a look at my posts on Happiest Toddler techniques that really work for the little ones, and see if your suspicions of a sensory processing disorder wane or even evaporate as you and your child learn some valuable communication and self-calming skills.  The posts that can alter things today might be Nip Toddler Biting in the BudToddlers Too Young For Time Out Can Get Simple Consequences and Kind Ignoring, and How To Get Your Toddler To Wait For Anything (Hint: They hear “Wait” as “No”)

Good luck, and let me know what works for you!

 

Sensory Sensitivity In Toddlers: Why Responding Differently to “Yucky!” Will Help Your Child

Sensory sensitivity and aversive behaviors are among the most common reasons families seek occupational therapy in Early Intervention.  Their kids are crying and clinging through meals, dressing, bathing and more.  What parents often don’t see is that they can help their child by being both empathic and educating them throughout the course of the day.

My clinical approach has matured over the years from the standard OT treatments to a whole-child and whole-family strategy.  One important part of my approach is to alter how adults react to their children.  It isn’t complex, but it is a shift away from thinking about the problem as being exclusively “my child’s issues with sensory processing”.  Once adults understand the experience a child is having from the child’s point of view, they can learn to respond more effectively to a child, and get results right away.

I recently did a therapy session with a toddler and her mom.  When the child became overwhelmed by her dog barking and rushed to her mom to be picked up, I warmly and clearly said “You want up?” twice while using explicit body language to convey calmness, while the mom looked at her child but didn’t scoop her up right away.  The child turned to look at me, stopped whining and dropped her shoulders.   She relaxed at least 50%, stuck her thumb in her mouth for about 30 seconds, then started to play quite happily.  What I know is that this short interaction affected her body’s level of neuro-hormonal arousal, her thinking about how adults handle sensory events, and her memory of how she feels when she is overstimulated changed. I believe that those differences physically change the wiring of her brain in a small but meaningful way.

I cannot take full credit for this strategy; I used the Fast Food Rule from Dr. Harvey Karp  Use The Fast Food Rule to Help ASD Toddlers Handle Change.  I am using it for therapeutic means, but it the same tantrum-defusing method he developed.   I responded with loving calmness to her over-the-top reaction, acknowledging her request while not granting it. She was “heard” and accepted.   I gave her a moment to come up with an alternate response (quick thumb-suck and then search for fun a fun toy).

This little girl has a habitual reaction to sensory input that puts her into a fear-flight pattern on a regular basis.  Cuddling her works for the short-term, but it leaves her seeking adult assistance for any fears, and it doesn’t give her any skills to handle things or suggest that she could handle situations differently.  Shifting her habitual reactions to  these benign events is essential to make progress, and telling her that it was “just the dog barking” doesn’t work.

Why?  Because Dr. Karp will tell you himself that toddlers hear you saying”just” as if you were telling them “you are wrong”.   They protest more to make you exactly see how upset they are.  Explaining things rationally doesn’t help a little person in the throes of emotion.  Modeling calmness while acknowledging their feelings is what helps them learn and grow.

Your child is wiring his brain every moment of every day. Your sensitive child is assessing all of your reactions to learn about what is a danger and what is not.  His brain, not his hands, are interpreting the world as irritating or frightening.  Your reactions to events and to his responses will help to hardwire his brain to believe something is scary, or challenge him to adapt and change that automatic pattern of response.  It isn’t all psychological, it is neurobiological as well.  Most researchers don’t differentiate between the two any longer.  They know that biology drives thought and that thought can alter biology.  The rubber meets the road right here, right now, in your own home!

OTs working with sensory processing disorders generally believe that an aversive response to a benign stimulus (hysteria when touching lotion or oatmeal) is not a skin issue or a mental health issue, but a brain interpretation gone wrong.  There are many reasons why this would happen, but most of us believe that experience and exposure, done well, can change the brain.  Some exposure is done with programs like the Wilbarger Protocol, the use of weighted or pressure garments, and many other great therapeutic techniques.  Changing adults’ responses hasn’t been researched nearly as much, but my clinical experience tells me it probably should be.  I know that teaching parents how to shift their behavior has made a difference for my clients almost immediately.

Good therapy can diminish a child’s aversions substantially, and even create exploration and excitement.  It is wonderful to see a formerly anxious child move through her day exploring and enjoying the world around her!

Does your sensitive toddler struggle with toilet training?

 The Practical Guide to Toilet Training Your Child With Low Muscle Tone is my new e-book (hard copies can be obtained by contacting me directly) that may help you tonight!  Sensory-based strategies can really help children with sensitivity, and good instruction minimizes all the multi-sensory mess that training can become when you don’t know what to do.  Your child doesn’t need to have severe issues with low tone.  Many children have both sensory sensitivity and low muscle tone.

Visit my website tranquil babies, and click “e-book” on the top ribbon to learn more about this unique book!

Overwhelmed With Your Toddler’s Demands? How To Cut Tantrums in Half!

 

Do I have your attention?  Good, because to achieve this amazing feat you will need to learn some new techniques, and understand your toddler’s perspective more clearly.  Take a look at two of my popular posts on toddler behavior, then practice a bit until your new communication skills shine.  The posts that will teach you some new ways of responding are Stretch Your Toddler’s Patience, Starting Today!  and  Taming Toddler Tantrums Using Sympathetic Reframing.  They give you easy strategies to use two of the best Happiest Toddler on the Block techniques.  These moves build listening skills and enhance cooperation in little people who are prone to big reactions.  Tantrums happen less often when toddlers feel heard and feel powerful.  You still are the parent.  Set limits and create consequences, but start here to get your toddler calm first.

Why change yourself in order to change your toddler?  Because they are waiting for you to show them how to behave, and waiting for you to reward them for their great progress.  You are teaching them skills, and so you have to model them.  Trust me, this isn’t that hard to learn.  Once you see a potential tantrum dissipate into the air, you will want to practice these techniques all the time!

You need to know a few things about the toddler mind.  It isn’t the same as the kindergartner mind, and certainly not the elementary school mind.  It’s an immature brain, running on very little frontal lobe power and a lot of amygdala and hippocampus use, all in a frenzy.  Add sugar, some taunting from an older brother, shake gently, and watch the “fun” erupt!  But that is life, so accept that your toddler is who he is, and teach him some skills to manage his reactions.

I will mention that these techniques will come in handy in about 10 years, when you have an emotional teen standing in front of you!

Here are some highlights that you should know about the toddler mind while you practice:

  • They haven’t mastered language, so talking more isn’t helpful.  Pare down the amount of words you use, and use more expressions/ gestures to express yourself.
  • They always react emotionally, not logically.  Your responses have to acknowledge their feelings, rational or not, or you are going to increase tantrums, not stop them.
  • Brains grow slowly, like trees.  Don’t expect that success once or twice means you can stop using these techniques.

Yes, I am really promising you an actual 50% reduction in tantrums .  Maybe not today, since it does take some time to become really good at the Fast Food Rule and Patience Stretching.  And maybe not when you are in the nightmare trifecta of a very tired child who is also feeling ill and is changing schools or caregivers.  That is a super-stressed child!  All bets are off then, but I think you will be able to diminish even these tantrums.  But all those other tantrums over broken cookies and not being allowed to stand on the table?  The Happiest Toddler methods can help you stop those before they even start.

The other great Happiest Toddler on the Block techniques such as Gossiping and Playing the Boob ( Dr. Karp, I wish you would rename that one!) support a warm and loving relationship with your toddler, and they will give you another 10-15% reduction in tantrum severity, depending on how much your toddler needs a more positive connection with you right now.  But just these two techniques from Dr. Harvey Karp will give you more smiles and less whining, all day long!