Tag Archives: gifted children behavior

Is Your Child Bright or Gifted? Spot the Differences

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One of my posts, Why Gifted Children Aren’t Their Teacher’s Favorite Students….  gets a lot of interest.  Parents are surprised that having a gifted child doesn’t reap enthusiasm from the average educator.  The general characteristics of a gifted person (intensity, drive, and complexity) can be downright disruptive in a general classroom.  It often isn’t any easier at home.

So if you are wondering if your child is gifted, and you haven’t started searching for a psychologist to perform the WISC-R yet….here are a few differences between the bright kids and the gifted kids:

  1. Bright kids learn quickly.  Gifted kids can learn lightening fast.  Show a bright kid something new and after 5-8 repetitions, they have it down.  A gifted kid can have it down in 1-2 demonstrations.  Think Shirley Temple.  The could teach her a dance routine by simply showing her the steps once.  That is a gifted dancer.
  2. Bright kids are great listeners.  They sit and wait for you to finish.  Gifted kids will interrupt with questions, argue points you never saw coming, and have a strong need to examine the materials that you are holding.  They almost want to inhale your props to learn more about them.  
  3. Bright kids make friends easily.  Gifted kids can struggle to find true peers, and often prefer to be alone so that they can pursue their interests and control the outcome of their play.  A gifted athlete may be competing with children much older, and a child that is able to expertly play an instrument or read at an advanced level has to find common ground with other kids while having uncommon skills.  
  4. Bright kids really ARE a joy to teach.  They have great memories, know how to fill in the blanks, and follow your instructions.  Gifted kids have their own strong passions, and rarely have enough space on a worksheet to fill in their complete answer to a simple question.  They want to express their unique viewpoints, and see many sides to a situation, so “yes/no” responses don’t really work for them.  Take a gifted kid on vacation, and you could have someone who has no interest at all in going to the beach, or someone who won’t leave the beach because there is still so much more to see.  
  5. Bright kids win awards, get elected for school offices, and are often group leaders.  Gifted kids may or may not accomplish these things.  Their performance may be driven by their desire to explore rather than excel, so they may be accused of not living up to their potential.  Gifted kids will not always be found in the top reading group or in the honor classes.  They aren’t driven by other’s agendas.  Their own internal sense of drive will prevail.  The perpetually daydreaming or laser-focused gifted child may have an agenda that hides their gifts.  Gifted children can be interested in and talented in many things, and have difficulty staying with one passion long enough for mastery, and they may not care about mastery anyway.  Their passion is the journey.  

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Why Gifted Children Aren’t Their Teacher’s Favorite Students….

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Parents of bright children often want to have their child in programs for the gifted and talented.  Parents of gifted children want their child to make more friends and spend less time in the principle’s office.

Why?

Gifted children of any age are rarely the teacher’s pet.  Here are a few reasons:

  1. Bright kids are a joy to teach.  Gifted kids are usually the children that disrupt and challenge teachers.  Bright children learn quickly and can answer all the questions.  A gifted child learns amazingly quickly and asks more questions than the teacher raises.  They can grasp a concept or an action after 1-2 repetitions.  And then they are done with that topic.  Really done.  Bored stiff or wanting to drill deeper.   This makes them out of step with their peers in a typical classroom.  Teachers have to work harder to make their lessons effective for the gifted child while staying on the lesson plan and managing the kids who struggle to keep up.
  2. Gifted kids are passionate: passionately opposed to rigidity, passionate about fairness, and addicted to logic.  They are not fond of following baseless rules, or sometimes any rules.  In fact, pointless rules are like poison to a gifted child.  Bright kids know these rules are pointless, but they care more about the consequences of disobeying, so they go along.  Gifted kids find the illogical and often capricious nature of these rules offensive to their very spirit, and will even bait teachers to get them to admit that their rules make no sense.  This won’t endear a gifted kid to educational staff, even the teachers that initially liked the challenge of teaching an intensely inquisitive child.
  3.  Bright kids learn the correct answers and rattle them off as requested.  Gifted kids believe that there are no correct answers.  The gifted child sees all the gray areas and can see the many sides of a situation.  They can even see that math questions could have more than one answer.   For teachers that are linear thinkers, this can be maddening.  For gifted kids, it is how they see…everything!

I love working with gifted children.  They can be the most fun I have in a day!  I love helping them handle their sensitivities and helping their parents understand their needs.

Looking for more ways to help your gifted child?

If you are the parent of a gifted child and would like to learn more about how to approach everyday issues with confidence and compassion, visit my website Tranquil Babies and purchase a consultation session under Happiest Toddler on the Block.  Even if your gifted child isn’t a toddler, that will be OK.  You will get a 30-minute session focused on you and your child!

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Sensitive Child? Be Careful How You Deliver Praise

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Sensitive kids need encouragement as much as the next child, but they can have a paradoxical reaction when you praise them.  What do I mean?  You compliment your child by saying “GREAT job!  I knew you could do it!”, and they react by becoming angry or even arguing with you.  They may even try to destroy what they had done.  This can include being mean to a sibling or pet, or breaking something that they created.

Why?  Weren’t you supposed to support them?  All the parenting books recommend giving children accurate and immediate feedback.  You could have done everything as suggested:  you were warm, you were specific about their success, and you used words that match their age and developmental stage.  You even avoided the pitfall of praising results and instead you praised effort.  It backfired on you.

What went so wrong?

Simply put, you didn’t expect that they would think that any future performance could be seen as a failure, and this burden was more than they could bear, or the sensory input overwhelmed them.  Or both.  This reaction is more common than you would think, and happens in very young children, as young  as two!  Some very sensitive kids cannot handle the physical intensity of some methods of praise.  Your change in vocal volume and even vocal pitch may send them into physiologic alarm mode.  The longer you go on, the more upset they become.  And they don’t have a good answer when you ask why they are so upset.  They are just as eager for true appreciation as any other child, but they know that they feel bad, not good.  You weren’t intending to create pressure on them.  Kids can place it on themselves.  These are often the kids that need things to go the way they expected, or to go perfectly or it isn’t acceptable.  They are very invested in being seen in a positive light.

What can you do differently?

If you think that your child is reacting this way, dial down your response and observe how your child takes it in.  Using a lower voice and shortening your response can help.  Making a general statement rather than elaborating might be easier to hear.  “Nice work” can be more acceptable than “You did an AMAZING job; I cannot wait to show everyone what you did!”  Dr. Karp’s “gossiping” technique, whether it is gossiping to a toy or to a person in the general vicinity might be more acceptable.  Waiting a few minutes, or even waiting until the next day to deliver praise can be helpful.  It sounds great to follow the strategies listed in the parenting blogs and in magazines, but if you have a sensitive child, you have already learned that things sometimes have to be altered to fit your child’s needs.  This is just another example!

Another suggestion is to put more effort into modeling how to handle slip-ups.  Kids need to know that we make mistakes and don’t always succeed.  We look so powerful and accomplished to young children.  We know that we have our limits and faults, but kids don’t always see it that way.  Explicitly tell your child when you make a mistake, and talk about your feelings and how you make yourself feel OK with not being perfect.  This can go a long way to helping a sensitive child handle praise.

Looking for more information on helping sensitive kids?  Read What Helps Sensitive Kids Handle Haircuts?,  and Young Children, Sensory Modulation and the Automatic “NO!” plus Holidays Hints For Sensitive Kids.  Sensitivity is common in gifted kids, so read  Sensitivity and Gifted Children: The Mind That Floods With Feeling and in kids with sensory processing disorder, read  Is It Sensory Treatment…Or Sensory Stimulation? How To Know The Difference and  Sensory Sensitivity In Toddlers: Why Responding Differently to “Yucky!” Will Help Your Child.

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How To Spot A Gifted Child In Your Preschool Class (Or Your Living Room!)

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Bright kid: “Are there any sharks out there?” Gifted kid:  ” The most common shark in the Atlantic Ocean is the ….”

Do you have a gifted kid?  Do you teach one?  You might not be able to tell the difference between a bright child and a gifted child by the number of letters they know, or the facts about dinosaurs they can recall.  Here are some distinct signs that your child, student or therapy client is actually gifted:

  • They are not a joy to teach.  Bet you didn’t expect that!  Yes, the gifted child isn’t usually sitting there soaking up knowledge.  They are out there arguing points and doing their own experiments.  They see the subtle differences, so they are going to bring up the exceptions to ALL of your rules.  They don’t like rules and correct answers nearly as much as the bright kids.  They are interesting to teach, but they won’t be as easy to teach as the bright children who simply learn what they are told and repeat it back to you.
  • They learn fast.  Really fast.  The typical child will need 15-20 repetitions or demonstrations and practice to learn a skill. The gifted children may only need 1-2 repetitions to learn.  The bright children need 5-8 reps.  So if you demonstrate a dance move or how to write a letter and your child copies you perfectly the first time, you may have a gifted child in front of you!
  • They NEED complexity and novelty.  Note that I said “need” versus “prefer”.  These kids don’t love routines.  They learn them quickly, but they find them boring, not comforting.  They don’t want to hear a favorite book again as much as they want you to read the next book in the series.  Without sufficient stimulation, the gifted child will go find her own entertainment and probably tell you what to do with your routines!  Bright children are often happiest when they can show you what they remember.  Gifted kids like to show you what you aren’t seeing or mentioning about a topic.
  • Gifted children are intensely curious.  This is different in magnitude from a bright child, who is interested in many things and consistently pays attention to stories and lessons.  The gifted child wants to know everything, and they want to know it now.  If the questions that you are asked show a level of synthesis you would not expect based on age and exposure, you may have a gifted child in front of you!
  • They have a lot of energy.  The gifted child may not need that nap, or they may collapse suddenly due to their full-on approach to life.  They could wake up totally ready to go, and go to sleep talking as well.  This is a child that isn’t going to want to be quiet when they have something to say.  The bright kids raise their hands and wait to be called on.  Be prepared to expend some energy yourself to engage with a gifted child.
  • Their passions and ideas can result in daydreaming and preferring to work alone on their projects.  This doesn’t mean they can’t be social.  But it may mean that they see no point in gluing construction paper triangles onto a pumpkin when they could be creating a pumpkin patch and a corn maze like they visited this weekend.  They won’t passively complete your project when they have a better idea of their own.

If you have spotted a child that may be gifted, you will want to offer them the opportunity to expand and explore within your classroom or your home.  You don’t need to label them.  If you find that their abilities place them far outside the reach of your class plan or they complain about school, it may be time to pursue formal testing.  Linda Silverman, a psychologist with a specialization in working with the gifted, suggests that any child that tests more than 2 standard deviations from the the mean (statistically far from average) is in need of special educational services.  Just because gifted kids are not below average doesn’t mean that they don’t have needs.  To learn more about gifted kids, read How To Talk So Your Gifted Child Will Listen and Sensitivity and Gifted Children: The Mind That Floods With Feeling.  Some gifted kids have other issues.  Read Gifted and Struggling? Meet the Twice Exceptional Student and How OT Can Help.

And remember that “gifted” doesn’t mean “better kid”.  It just means better skills.  The gifted population has been hammered for being elitist, when in fact, they receive a lot of criticism and prejudice as well as glory.  Treating these kids fairly will allow them to thrive!

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Is Your Gifted Child Also Your Most Strong Willed Child?

taylor-smith-Mw9TO8Wbz8A-unsplashParents of some gifted children know that this gift comes with more than a quick intellect.  It can come with a will of iron and incredible emotional range.  Gifted children can be expansively happy one moment, and intensely sad the next.  No, it isn’t bipolar disorder, and it probably isn’t ADD (gifted kids are misdiagnosed with both at an alarming rate).  Gifted children have an emotional capacity that often matches or exceeds their intellect.  Here is why:

Their brains are different.  They are qualitatively different, meaning that they notice, synthesize, and experience information differently, not just “more” or “more like an older child” than other children.  Their brains work differently, but they are trying to comprehend how others understand situations and why they behave as they do.  When they cannot get where other people are coming from, or when they insist on the world working their way, things can get explosive.

Yes, the same brain that allows a 4 year-old to read chapter books to her preschool class without having been taught to read is also feeling and connecting emotional information differently from her peers as well.  She can’t “get over it” when arbitrary rules do not allow her to take materials out of the reference section of the library, or when she isn’t allowed to finish watching a documentary on sea creatures because you have to take her brother to swim practice.  Functional imaging studies have been reported to see much more diverse brain activity in gifted individuals during simple tasks.  They light up like Christmas trees because they are incredible thinkers.

All that thinking can get them in trouble with the day-to-day world of rules and good behavior.

The amazing brains of gifted children are understood to have what one researcher calls “overexcitabilities”.  Only one is intellectual excitability.  The others include emotional/empathetic, motor, and sensory excitability.  This can lend itself to some explosive tantrums in toddlerhood and even disabling complaints of clothing or lights being far too irritating and distracting.  The same child that can explain to you how the electoral college works can be sidelined by the scratchy tag in his shirt!

The drive for mastery and perfection is a heavy burden for the gifted child.  Their perfectionism comes from the ability to imagine what the ultimate outcome could be, not an anxious concern with being judged or being found inferior.  It is coming from an internal demand to create what their amazing brain can conjure.  This isn’t “fixable” with meditation or deep breathing.  Giving them information about where this drive originates is helpful, as are clear boundaries of time and resources.  Learning to handle the drive for perfection is a goal for most gifted people, and the learning should start early.

Gifted children with strong wills aren’t always appreciated for their determination and their energy.  They balk at instructions, refuse assistance when they need it, and aren’t easily distracted from their desires.  I think that the first step in handling the emotional over excitability of a gifted child is to accept how difficult it is as a parent or a teacher, and then learn about how this aspect of giftedness works.  From there it is a matter of building skills in self-control and social/communication skills.  Read Want Better Self-Regulation in Young Children? Help Them Manage Aggression for some ideas on dealing with aggressive behavior.  Gifted children do not have to get their way because their IQ is in the stratosphere.  They still have to avoid aggression, including verbal aggression (something teenage gifted kids are virtual masters of).  Read Why Gifted Children Aren’t Their Teacher’s Favorite Students…. and  Is Your Child Bright or Gifted?  to understand some of the shadow sides of giftedness.

My perspective is that gifted children need more help with social skills since they often have such disparity between their cognitive capacity and their emotional abilities.  Feeling responsible for the world’s troubles doesn’t mean that you are, and knowing that the rules are arbitrary doesn’t mean you have the authority to change them.  Parents who teach their children how to navigate these problems will give a huge gift to their children.  Children need to understand that they aren’t bad, but they are different.  And their behavior is connected to the way their brain works and always will work.  They need to navigate their path within the wider world, making friends and dealing with authorities that do not see things in the same way.  The world may not always understand gifted people, but if gifted people understand themselves, it could be a happier and calmer place for everyone.

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