Tag Archives: discipline

Negotiating With Toddlers? Why They Think That 90/10 Is A Good Deal

 

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Toddlers can make you doubt your sanity.  They really can.  How can a crushed cookie be the end of the universe as they know it?  Why do they think you can make more cookies appear on demand?  And how to explain to this person that thinks you hung the moon that you simply cannot erase crayon marks?

This post is an effort to explain how to successfully negotiate (most of the time) with children 18 months to 5 years old.  It is based on The Happiest Toddler on the Block strategies by Dr. Harvey Karp.  Once I learned his techniques, I never looked back and became a toddler whisperer.  Really.  You need to embrace his two most important ideas and then you are ready to hit the negotiating table with your toddler.

Dr. Karp’s most basic concept is that you need to understand that the toddler brain isn’t capable of much logical thinking due to immaturity.  This means that they cannot negotiate well, even when calm.  It gets better as they get older, so a 4 year-old will have flashes of rational negotiation, and an 18 month-old may never get it.  She can’t.  Her brain simply doesn’t “do” rational well at all until that frontal cortex is mature.  The other concept is true for negotiation with anyone, including your partner and your boss.  You have to see their side of the story and communicate to them that you are aware of their feelings….whether or not you agree with them!

Agreeing that they get 2 more bedtime stories but not a snack as well, agreeing that they get the giraffe cup but can’t spill half of it on the new carpet to make a pattern, agreeing that they can wear pajamas to the park but only with shoes are all successes.  Tell them that you understand that wearing Spiderman jammies is indeed cooler with Spiderman sneakers helps them negotiate the deal.  Honestly saying that you are too tired to read 6 more books using an exaggerated yawn and a sad look helps.  You need to go night-night too.  They may be able to see your perspective since they are tired as well (but may never admit it to you).

So here is where your paradigm shift happens.  You have to be OK with deals that seem unfair to you.   Adults want a 50/50 split at the very least.  But you aren’t negotiating with another adult.  Be prepared to leave your ego at the door.  If you are the kind of person that needs to be right, you are going to fail at toddler negotiation.  Toddlers negotiate from the heart and with heart.  A mature sense of fairness isn’t going to be helpful with an irrational mind.  Hint:  if you have ever had a totally irrational boss that you actually liked when things weren’t exploding all over the office, you will have had some experience with the toddler mind.

Successful initial negotiations with a toddler often yield a 90/10 split.  90% for them, and 10% for you.  If they walk away happy,  you should too.  This is why this is not only a good deal for you, it is the only way to teach fairness in negotiation: toddlers start out expecting 100%.  A 90% deal is, in their mind, having given in big-time. But if they feel OK about it and life goes on, you won.  If you can manage that, the next negotiation could be 80/20.

Many toddlers cannot manage this when tired, overwhelmed, hungry, etc.  So negotiations can start over something simple, something that doesn’t matter very much to either party, and when things are calm.  You are teaching a skill, not making a business deal.  But the results could make everyone’s life a lot calmer in the end!

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Is is Sensory Or Is It Behavior? Before 3, The Answer Is Usually “Yes!”

If I had a dollar for every parent that asked me if head banging when frustrated means their child has a sensory processing disorder...well, I would be writing this post from a suite in Tahiti!  Modulation of arousal is the most common sensory processing concern for the parents that I see as a pediatric occupational therapist.  Their children struggle to transition, don’t handle change well, and can’t shift gears easily.  But hold on.  A lot of this behavior in children  under 3 is developmental in nature.  Not all, but a lot.  Parsing it out and addressing it takes a paradigm shift.  Not every annoying or difficult behavior is atypical for age and temperament.

Everyone knows that you can’t expect your infant to self-regulate.  Nobody tells their baby “Just wait a little; why can’t you be like your brother and sit quietly for a minute?”  But why do adults assume that once a child can speak and walk a bit that they can handle frustration, wait patiently, and calm down quickly?

I know parents WANT that to be the case.  Toddlers are a handful on a good day.  Adorable silliness can melt your heart, but getting smacked by an angry child that was just given a consequence for trying to put your cell phone in the toilet to see if it would float?  Nah, that isn’t going to put a smile on your face.  Parents tell me “If they could only understand that when I say “wait”, I mean that you will get what you want, just not immediately.”  But no.  The toddler brain grows very slowly, and even the super-bright children who read at 3 cannot make their emotional brain grow any faster.  Sorry.  Really.   This brain thing means years of developing communication and regulation skills.

Here is the good news:  Even young children with clear sensory-based behaviors do better when your responses to their behaviors help them self-calm.  The recipe is simple to describe.  You give limits based on age, use familiar routines, teach emotional language and responses by modeling, and communicate effectively.  The Happiest Toddler strategies have transformed my work because children feel listened to but I don’t give in to toddler terrorists.  Everybody wins.

Here is the bad news:  You have to change your behavior in order to help them.  And you have to do it consistently and with loving acceptance of their limitations.  “Behavior” isn’t just their problem.  It is both of yours.  Take a look at my posts on Happiest Toddler techniques that really work for the little ones, and see if your suspicions of a sensory processing disorder wane or even evaporate as you and your child learn some valuable communication and self-calming skills.  The posts that can alter things today might be Nip Toddler Biting in the BudToddlers Too Young For Time Out Can Get Simple Consequences and Kind Ignoring, and How To Get Your Toddler To Wait For Anything (Hint: They hear “Wait” as “No”)

Good luck, and let me know what works for you!

 

Overwhelmed With Your Toddler’s Demands? How To Cut Tantrums in Half!

 

Do I have your attention?  Good, because to achieve this amazing feat you will need to learn some new techniques, and understand your toddler’s perspective more clearly.  Take a look at two of my popular posts on toddler behavior, then practice a bit until your new communication skills shine.  The posts that will teach you some new ways of responding are Stretch Your Toddler’s Patience, Starting Today!  and  Taming Toddler Tantrums Using Sympathetic Reframing.  They give you easy strategies to use two of the best Happiest Toddler on the Block techniques.  These moves build listening skills and enhance cooperation in little people who are prone to big reactions.  Tantrums happen less often when toddlers feel heard and feel powerful.  You still are the parent.  Set limits and create consequences, but start here to get your toddler calm first.

Why change yourself in order to change your toddler?  Because they are waiting for you to show them how to behave, and waiting for you to reward them for their great progress.  You are teaching them skills, and so you have to model them.  Trust me, this isn’t that hard to learn.  Once you see a potential tantrum dissipate into the air, you will want to practice these techniques all the time!

You need to know a few things about the toddler mind.  It isn’t the same as the kindergartner mind, and certainly not the elementary school mind.  It’s an immature brain, running on very little frontal lobe power and a lot of amygdala and hippocampus use, all in a frenzy.  Add sugar, some taunting from an older brother, shake gently, and watch the “fun” erupt!  But that is life, so accept that your toddler is who he is, and teach him some skills to manage his reactions.

I will mention that these techniques will come in handy in about 10 years, when you have an emotional teen standing in front of you!

Here are some highlights that you should know about the toddler mind while you practice:

  • They haven’t mastered language, so talking more isn’t helpful.  Pare down the amount of words you use, and use more expressions/ gestures to express yourself.
  • They always react emotionally, not logically.  Your responses have to acknowledge their feelings, rational or not, or you are going to increase tantrums, not stop them.
  • Brains grow slowly, like trees.  Don’t expect that success once or twice means you can stop using these techniques.

Yes, I am really promising you an actual 50% reduction in tantrums .  Maybe not today, since it does take some time to become really good at the Fast Food Rule and Patience Stretching.  And maybe not when you are in the nightmare trifecta of a very tired child who is also feeling ill and is changing schools or caregivers.  That is a super-stressed child!  All bets are off then, but I think you will be able to diminish even these tantrums.  But all those other tantrums over broken cookies and not being allowed to stand on the table?  The Happiest Toddler methods can help you stop those before they even start.

The other great Happiest Toddler on the Block techniques such as Gossiping and Playing the Boob ( Dr. Karp, I wish you would rename that one!) support a warm and loving relationship with your toddler, and they will give you another 10-15% reduction in tantrum severity, depending on how much your toddler needs a more positive connection with you right now.  But just these two techniques from Dr. Harvey Karp will give you more smiles and less whining, all day long!

Book Review: Bringing Up Bebe’

Pamela Druckerman had me when she described the French behavior management technique  “le gros jeux” or “the big eyes”.   I know plenty about those big eyes, but the stern glance I recall was coming from my Croatian-American father.   Although he was born here, he was raised in a strong European community and his approach to life was firmly rooted in the old country values.  That absolutely included how to discipline children. Getting “the look” from him was more than enough to know I was approaching the point where action would be taken, with or without a commentary in Croatian on how kids are different these days. Turns out, they do “the look” in France too.  It’s just called something, well, French.  

The author has written an amusing and readable book which follows her from pregnancy to becoming a mother of one daughter and twin sons.  She describes learning about the traditional French method of raising children from both new friends and experts in child development.  Her book might inspire families to consider an alternative to modern American approaches, but after a few chapters it will be evident that there is going to be something lost in translation. American parents may not have family and friends who support raising children using strategies that are not commonplace here.  In addition, French parents are fortunate to have extensive paid family leave, subsidized high-quality child care, and health care/education policies that make the French approach to raising children easier.

I encourage readers who are curious about how families in other cultures raise their children to pick up “Bringing Up Bebe'” with a croissant and a cafe’ au lait.  Enjoy!