Tag Archives: children

Address A Child’s Defiance Without Crushing Their Spirit

abigail-keenan-27292

Kids that defy adult instructions, even instructions that are ultimately for their benefit, often get begged or threatened into compliance.  Pleading with your child to pick up their mess, or threatening your child that those toys on the floor will be given to a charity shop isn’t always going to work.

Why? Probably because your child is waiting you out.  Children are wise observers of what works and what doesn’t, so they know you will eventually clean things up and they are fully aware that toys never disappear after a threat.

If you are tired of pleading and threatening, I have a strategy that could make you less aggravated and even ultimately boost your child’s self-esteem.  It works best with children that have at least a 30-month cognitive and language level.  This means that if you have an older developmentally delayed child that is unable to comprehend a request with a reward attached (“If you give me the shoe, I will get your milk”) then you should try a less complex strategy until they can understand this concept.

The idea is simple:  you make a request and if no response is elicited, you explain that they have a choice.  Not complying will result in a consequence they can see.  After the consequence is imposed, you offer the child another chance to make things right by following a slightly different direction or offering a “re-do”.  There is no “1-2-3” counting, because if you are certain that your child has understood your initial request and the explanation of the consequence, those were already the “one” and the two” of the countdown.  Your execution of the consequence is the “three”.  Good enough for me!

The trickiest parts of this strategy are the maintenance of a warm tone while your beloved child is defying you, and your quick thinking to identify a later task that allows them to save face while complying with your second request.  Do not think I haven’t had to act warm and friendly when inviting a difficult child to give participation another try.  I remind myself that I am the adult in the situation, and my job is to model calmness and teach skills, not get the upper hand on a 4 year-old.

I have also made up some pointless tasks such as rearranging boxes on a shelf, just to have an easy and successful task to offer them after the first consequence is delivered.  The younger the child, the less they will realize that Job #2 was only a chance for them to know that I am not rejecting them in any way.   I could say it, but actions speak louder than words.

Here is what this strategy looks like with a young child:

Adult:  “Please pick up all the cars, and then we can go have our yummy lunch.”

Child:   Looks at you, shakes her head and runs to the fridge. 

Adult:  ” Here is your choice:  pick up your cars and put them in the bin, or they will sit in their bin on top of the fridge until after dinner.”  Adult points to the fridge and/or taps the top to clarify what that means.

Child:   Gets a spoon from a drawer and stands by the fridge, no acknowledgment of your  directions.

Adult:  Uses The Happiest Toddler Kind Ignoring strategy and turns away from the child and waits next to the car pile for about 15 seconds for a positive response.  If the child doesn’t return, the adult puts the cars into the bin without more discussion, and places the bin on top of the fridge.

Child:  Cries, recognizing that a consequence has been delivered.

Adult:  Uses a disappointed but calm tone :  “I am sad too, because now we have to wait to play cars.” Adult’s body language and tone brightens. “Would you like to try listening again?  Please give me the blocks and I will stack them.”  Adult begins to stack very slowly to allow the child to consider her choice, and warmly welcomes the child’s help.

Child:   Begins to hand blocks to the adult.

Adult:  “You did a great job helping me!  Thank you!  Let’s go have our lunch!”

This can go south with strong-willed children, tired children and even some hungry children. I don’t recommend letting kids get super-tired or starving and then setting them up to lose.   Some kids are feeling great, but they draw a line in the sand and decide that they aren’t budging.  They won’t back down.  I express my disappointment in the outcome (no car play) but not in the child.  I don’t tell them I am disappointed in their behavior, because for a young child, they may not always be able to distinguish themselves from their behavior.  They will always be able to see the result: no cars.

I keep calm and impose consequences unless things go from defiance to aggression.  Then I consider a time-out strategy.  Aggression should never be ignored, because that is as good as approving of aggression.  In this age of zero-tolerance in schools, no one is doing any favors to a child by inadvertently teaching them that aggressive behavior is inconsequential.  They will find out soon enough that other people feel very differently about it.

Young kids will defy you.  I guarantee it.  Responding to defiance with limit setting doesn’t have to damage them or your connection with them.   Addressing defiance in this way can build a more positive relationship while making it very clear that there are consequences to not listening to you.

ross-findon-303091

Advertisements

Is Your Hypermobile Child JointSmart?

Sometimes it must seem that OTs and PTs are the ultimate buzz killers. “Don’t do gymnastics; it could damage your knees” and “I don’t recommend those shoes. Not enough support”. Just like the financial planner that tells you to sell the boat and save more for a rainy day, we therapists can sound like we are trying to crush dreams and scare families.

Nothing could be further from the truth! Our greatest wish is to see all children live their lives with joy, not pain and restriction. Hypermobile children that grow up understanding their body’s unique issues and know how to live with hypermobility are “joint smart” kids. The kids who force their bodies to do things that cause injury or insist on doing things they simply cannot accomplish face two kinds of pain; physical pain, and a feeling that they are failing for reasons they cannot fathom.

Pain at a Young Age?
Very young children with hypermobility don’t usually see OTs and PTs for pain, unless they have JRA or MD. The thing that sends them to therapy initially is their lack of stability. Some impressively hypermobile kids won’t have pain until they are in middle age. Pain (at any age) usually results from damage to the ligaments, tendons and occasionally the joints themselves. When the supporting tissues of a joint are too loose, a joint can dislocate or sublux (partial dislocation). This is often both painful and way too frequent for hypermobile kids. Strains and sprains are very common, and they happen from seemingly innocuous events. Other tissues may bruise easily as well, creating more pain. Disorders such as Ehlers Danlos syndrome can affect skin and vessel integrity as well as joint tissue, so it is not uncommon to see bruising “for no reason” or larger bruises than you would expect from daily activity.

Becoming JointSmart Starts With Parents
So…does your child even understand that they are hypermobile? If they are under 8, almost certainly not. Do they know that they have issues with being unstable? Probably. They may have been labeled “clumsy” or “wobbly”, even weak. Labels are easy to give and hard to avoid. I suggest that parents reframe these labels and try to take the negative sting out of them. Pointing out that people come in an amazing variety of shapes and abilities is helpful, but the most important thing a parent can do is to understand the mechanics, the treatment and how to move and live with hypermobility. Then parents can frame their child’s issues as challenges that can be dealt with, not deficits that have cursed them. How a parent responds to a child’s struggles and complaints is key, absolutely key.

The first step is teaching yourself about hypermobility and believing that options exist for your child. Ask your therapists any questions you have, even the ones you are afraid to ask, and make sure that your therapist has a positive, life-affirming perspective. Most of us do, but if you are at all anxious or worried, it really helps to hear about what can be done, not just what activities and choices are off the table. If you blame yourself for your child’s hypermobility, get support for yourself so that your child doesn’t feel that they are burdening you. They don’t need that kind of baggage on this journey.

Even when we are optimistic and creative as therapists, it doesn’t mean that we won’t tell you our specific concerns about gymnastics and Crocs for children with hypermobility. We will. It would be unprofessional not to. But we want you and your child to develop the ability to understand your options, including the benefits and the drawbacks of those options, and give you the freedom to make conscious choices.

Now that is being smart!