Tag Archives: Angela Duckworth

Teach Your Child To Fail Today. You Can Thank Me Later

Yes, I said it: fail.  We all will fail at something sometime.  Even, and most especially, the gifted kids who experiment and explore constantly, will fail at something.  Knowing what to do with your feelings when you fail is essential for a happy life.  And that is why you will thank me later.

Angel Duckworth is one of my heroes.  Her focus on building grit is so important in this new world we live in.  In the old days, say 50 years ago, families and religious institutions provided a roadmap for children to handle challenges in life.  Maybe it didn’t always provide the widest highway for people with differences, but opportunities to learn perseverance and receive support after a failure were more available.  I don’t believe we can turn back the clock, so it is time to move forward and create new structures.  And this time, everyone will fit under the tent and get more support.

When we fail, we have the choice to feel bad or feel inspired.  The child who believes that his intelligence and his abilities are fixed will feel worse, perhaps even ashamed.  That child will be less likely to want to feel those emotions again, and will look for situations that ensure success.  At any cost.  Even cheating.  The rise in anxiety disorders and suicide in the college-age population has me worried about how these kids see failure.  It doesn’t have to be a crisis, it can be a learning experience in the truest sense.  Why you failed and what to do differently (if possible) are things you can learn, but only if you aren’t crushed or horrified that you failed.

The child who knows that failure is common to all of us eventually, and is not a sign of weakness or lower ability, will give things another try.  In fact, that child will not want to engage in a “sure thing”, whether it is a class, a sport, or an interaction in which there is no challenge.  The child who isn’t afraid of failure will welcome novelty and risk. They have, as Dr. Duckworth would call it, a growth mindset.   Failure is their clue that some variable in the experiment should change; useful information for their next attempt.

Just imagine what your child could do if she wasn’t afraid to fail!  Solve the many health and environmental challenges we have, broker peace between groups and countries, raise a family that believes in the power of failure….anything!

If you have a fixed mindset about failure, if you were raised to take the sure thing, the easy road to success, use the emergency instructions you get from the airlines.  Change your mindset before helping your child to change theirs.  You can thank me later.

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How Young Can You Teach The Skills That Develop Grit?

I love the concept of “grit”, probably because I see it in so many of the special needs kids that I treat.  Meeting major challenges of living either crushes you or makes you stronger.  Researcher and author Angela Duckworth has championed the study of grit, and schools are even adjusting their teaching curricula to try to encourage a combination of perseverance and conscientiousness.  As an occupational therapist, there is nothing like the triumphant grin from a child that accomplished something difficult through their perseverance, patience and focus.  But how early can you see grit, and how early can you support the development of grit in children that do not seem to have it naturally?

I think grit is present earlier than the kindergarten stage, but it has to be viewed through a lens that corresponds to an earlier developmental stage than originally thought.  The famous “marshmallow test” study by Walter Mischel in the 60’s looked at 4-to-6 year-olds.  Spoiler Alert:  the kids that could use suggested strategies or come up with their own to avoid eating a marshmallow while alone for 15 minutes (in order to be rewarded with a second one) had better self-control later in life.  They got better grades as a group, completed more advanced educational levels, were more financially successful, and had fewer relationship and workplace difficulties.

One of the general conclusions of professionals since then has been that you really don’t see that kind of ability in kids younger than those in that original study.  I believe that they haven’t recognized the earliest stirrings of grit.  Just like a flower and it’s bud, it doesn’t look the same as full-blown grit.  Being able to avoid eating the marshmallow until the examiner gets back isn’t the appropriate test for grit in a 2 year-old.  Being able to wait for even a minute or two for goldfish crackers might be.  So would calmly picking up toys before bedtime.

Toddlers who have mastered Patience Stretching, Dr. Harvey Karp’s simple method for building patience in children as young as 12 months old, are showing some grit. Stretch Your Toddler’s Patience, Starting Today!  I also think that kids that have learned alternative expressions of emotion instead of resorting to defiance have sown seeds for grit.   Kind ignoring, in which defiance and negative attention-seeking is responded to with a brief withdrawal of interaction only, makes it more likely for toddlers and preschoolers to generate positive strategies for attention.  Toddlers Too Young For Time Out Can Get Simple Consequences and Kind Ignoring  Using those methods requires them to have more focused attention than throwing a fit.

Grit alone is not going to guarantee a happy and successful life.  But grit can support kids when life throws them a curve ball.  Dr. Karp didn’t create The Happiest Toddler techniques to develop grit, but I think it can help create a solid foundation for it to flourish!