Negotiating With Toddlers? Why 90/10 Is A Good Deal To Them

 

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Toddlers can make you doubt your sanity.  They really can.  How can a crushed cookie be the end of the universe as they know it?  Why do they think you can make more cookies appear on demand?  And how to explain to this person that thinks you hung the moon that you simply cannot erase crayon marks?

This post is an effort to explain how to successfully negotiate (most of the time) with children 18 months to 5 years old.  It is based on The Happiest Toddler on the Block strategies by Dr. Harvey Karp.  Once I learned his techniques, I never looked back and became a toddler whisperer.  Really.  You need to embrace his two most important ideas and then you are ready to hit the negotiating table with your toddler.

Dr. Karp’s most basic concept is that you need to understand that the toddler brain isn’t capable of much logical thinking due to immaturity.  This means that they cannot negotiate well, even when calm.  It gets better as they get older, so a 4 year-old will have flashes of rational negotiation, and an 18 month-old may never get it.  She can’t.  Her brain simply doesn’t “do” rational well at all until that frontal cortex is mature.  The other concept is true for negotiation with anyone, including your partner and your boss.  You have to see their side of the story and communicate to them that you are aware of their feelings….whether or not you agree with them!

Agreeing that they get 2 more bedtime stories but not a snack as well, agreeing that they get the giraffe cup but can’t spill half of it on the new carpet to make a pattern, agreeing that they can wear pajamas to the park but only with shoes are all successes.  Tell them that you understand that wearing Spiderman jammies is indeed cooler with Spiderman sneakers helps them negotiate the deal.  Honestly saying that you are too tired to read 6 more books using an exaggerated yawn and a sad look helps.  You need to go night-night too.  They may be able to see your perspective since they are tired as well (but may never admit it to you).

So here is where your paradigm shift happens.  You have to be OK with deals that seem unfair to you.   Adults want a 50/50 split at the very least.  But you aren’t negotiating with another adult.  Be prepared to leave your ego at the door.  If you are the kind of person that needs to be right, you are going to fail at toddler negotiation.  Toddlers negotiate from the heart and with heart.  A mature sense of fairness isn’t going to be helpful with an irrational mind.  Hint:  if you have ever had a totally irrational boss that you actually liked when things weren’t exploding all over the office, you will have had some experience with the toddler mind.

Successful initial negotiations with a toddler often yield a 90/10 split.  90% for them, and 10% for you.  If they walk away happy,  you should too.  This is why this is not only a good deal for you, it is the only way to teach fairness in negotiation: toddlers start out expecting 100%.  A 90% deal is, in their mind, having given in big-time. But if they feel OK about it and life goes on, you won.  If you can manage that, the next negotiation could be 80/20.

Many toddlers cannot manage this when tired, overwhelmed, hungry, etc.  So negotiations can start over something simple, something that doesn’t matter very much to either party, and when things are calm.  You are teaching a skill, not making a business deal.  But the results could make everyone’s life a lot calmer in the end!

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Make Handwriting Fun While Getting Ready For The New School Year

Here in the US, kids are getting ready to go back to school.  And most of them haven’t been writing much in the last 6-8 weeks.  At the kindergarten level, some children will have forgotten any lowercase letters they knew in the spring.  At the 1-2 grade levels, it is not uncommon for kids to forget how to form letters, where to place them on the baseline, and how to use simple punctuation.   Teachers sometimes need to use the first 1-2 weeks for review alone.

What if they didn’t need to review?  What if your child was ready to hit the ground running (and writing)?  There is nothing like seeing a confident kid sit down to crush her homework instead of struggling through it.  For all those writers who worked hard last year and are a little nervous to pick up a pencil again, here are some ideas that help getting back to writing fun and easy:

  1. Get good materials.  Kids are just like adults.  We like new, cool stuff.  So do they.  I recommend using the best eraser (Problems With Handwriting? You Need The Best Eraser ) and either the small Learning Without Tears (they changed their name!!!)  pencils for kindergarteners, or the Papermate 1.3mm lead mechanical pencils for older kids.  Take a look at my post on these useful pencils Great Mechanical Pencils Can Improve Your Child’s Handwriting Skills
  2. Use fun workbooks like Madlibs and games like Hangman.  Make up games that you think your kids will find funny.  Try the Junior version of Madlibs for grades 2-3, and the regular one for the higher grades.  There are themes for every kid, trust me.  Something will be funny.  Do them together with your child, have a contest for silliest madlib, send them to relatives that can appreciate this humor, etc.
  3. Target any errors made in writing their first and family name first.  Those errors will be repeated over and over in the first few days of school if you do not focus on them.  Time to make this a priority.
  4. Figure out where the gaps are, and hit the low-hanging fruit next.  Why?  Because that builds confidence.  Look for simple errors with easy-to-write or frequently written letters.  Think “a”, “e”, and “t”.  Doesn’t even have to be letters; could be numbers.  Kids need to feel like they can hit singles, and then they will try harder for doubles and triples.  Forgive the baseball reference; I saw a ton of stickers and vanity plates today.   Apparently all of my neighbors are big baseball fans!

There are only a few weeks of summer left, but if you make a small effort,  it can mean a lot to a child’s first weeks of school!

Should Hypermobile Kids Use Backpacks?

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It is back-to-school season here in the US.  One of the items on many parent’s shopping lists is a new backpack.  But for kids with low muscle tone or hypermobility, backpacks can be more than a way to carry books and water bottles.  They can be a source of pain, headaches, even numbness in hands and fingers.  The important question isn’t how to lighten the load of a heavy backpack.  It is whether these kids should be using them at all.

The standard recommendations from occupational therapists and orthopedists regarding backpacks is simple:  lighten the load, use both straps (select wide straps), and make sure the heaviest items are placed close to the body.  All good suggestions.  But if a child already has pain or weakness around the spine and shoulder joints, less stability and endurance, and less ability to judge posture and force, then the picture changes.  Using a backpack may be a significant physical risk, no matter how well designed or used.

Here are some suggestions that further minimize injury but can be acceptable to older kids who may be sensitive to being perceived as different:

  • Request a set of the heaviest books for home use.  This can be part of an IEP or a 504 plan, or the school may be willing to do so without anything formal on paper.
  • Select the smallest size backpack possible.  Stores like Land’s End and L.L. Bean here in the US are great sources for a variety of backpack sizes.
  •  Have your child use their backpack only for lighter items.  Pick the smallest water bottles and travel sizes of anything they need.  Think “weekend in Paris on a shoestring” not “trekking the Himalayas”.  At least they have a backpack like the other kids.
  • Teach your child to carry their pack in their arms, close to their chest, instead of wearing it.  I know, that sounds weird.  But if it is small, this is the smartest way to carry anything while reducing strain on backs and necks.  And they still have a backpack like the other kids.  A long shot, but some kids can be reminded of how awful neck and back pain really is, and how not being able to sleep or play sports is worse than carrying that pack in their arms.
  • Considering a rolling case?  Not so fast.  The twisting of the back and the use of one arm to drag a rolling case may be worse than using a backpack.  Then there is the lifting and lugging up non-ADA stairs.  Out of the frying pan……

Looking for more information about hypermobility, low tone and back-to-school planning?  Check out Does An Atypical Pencil Grasp Damage Joints or Support Function In Kids With Hypermobility? and Great Mechanical Pencils Can Improve Your Child’s Handwriting Skills.  There are pencil grips that can really help, so read The Pencil Grip That Strengthens Your Child’s Fingers As They Write.

 

How to Help Sensitive Kids Handle Greeting People (Including Their Own Parents!)

 

Many kids with ASD and SPD struggle with agitation and even tantrums when people enter their homes.  It can happen when their parent returns home from work, eager to scoop them up.  These kids become shy, run away, even hit!

Many, even most parents, believe that this is “bad behavior”, being defiant, or expressing anger at having people entering their space.  As an OT, I think about it differently.  Here is what I think is happening, and how to help your child handle this experience more effectively.

Sensitive children, which includes but isn’t limited to kids with sensory processing disorders, experience transitions as big charges of energy.  We all register a charge when events end or we switch locations, and when people come into our space, but those of us with less sensitivity do not charge up so high and we return to our baseline level of arousal very quickly.  So quickly that it isn’t even on our radar.  You would have to hook us up to a device like a lie-detector set to see the burst of neurological charge.

Not the sensitive person.  They are super-charged, and with little kids, it often is expressed as outsized and inappropriate aversion or agitation.  Thus, the scream, the withdrawal, the running away.  This response is often followed with agitation as the adult walks away and the child is now sad to lose the connection.  It can all seem a bit strange.

The long-term answer?  A good treatment plan that reduces overall, everyday arousal levels.  The short-term answer?  Here is my protocol that helps kids avoid getting so out-of-sorts with greetings, and builds social skills.  The nicest thing about this protocol is that it looks normal, not clinical, and it does indeed lower the brain’s level of arousal.  Keeping calm, but staying in the game socially, trains the brain to handle more interaction, not to flee.

  1. Greet the child from a distance.  This may be 5-15 feet.  Use a warm but not over the top tone.  Keep it short but friendly.  Don’t linger on eye contact.
  2. The child has been provided with an object to handoff to the greeting adult.  It doesn’t have to be meaningful, especially if the child is under 2.  Anything will do.  The idea is that it is a meaningful interaction that the child controls.  They release it to the adult.  You may have to repeat it with two objects.  The adult’s grateful response is also warm but not effusive.
  3. Now is the time to offer a hug or a kiss.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.  With older kids that have language, I use “Handshake, hug or high-five?”.  I offer the child a choice of contact, and this alone can get them from feeling imposed upon to empowered.
  4. If the child is still protesting, the adult sits near the child, engaged in something that could be fun for the child.  A book, scribbling, something appealing.  No offer or invite; the position and the activity are the invitation.  The child may come over and begin to engage.  Connection accomplished!

Grandparents and others can think that this is coddling, or too much work.  After all, why doesn’t she greet me warmly like other children?  It is hard to parent a child with sensitivities, but your primary focus is on helping the child feel calm and comforted.  Explain that this is helpful and that the child really does love them.  He just needs a bit of help to express it.

We should be able to get out of the way emotionally for the sake of little people.  If a family member cannot wrap their head around the need to support instead of impose themselves on a clearly agitated child, then they need more help to understand sensitivity.

 

 

Parents With Disabilities Deserve Real Support, Not Pity or Praise

 

 

dawid-sobolewski-285650Parenting is hard.  Everyone that has children or works with them knows that this is true.  Parenting when you have a disability is harder by far.  Like parenting… squared.  But instead of real support, many disabled people who become parents or are thinking of becoming parents face a lot of reactions from the non-disabled.  It usually arrives in one of two packages.  First, the more positive but less helpful responses.

People see disabled parents diapering a child with one hand or with both feet, or navigating the playground with a cane and remark on how amazing it all is.  They are either pitied for their struggle or praised for their bravery.  If you have a disability, what you could really use is to be seen as an equal.  And maybe the chance to share how to get your child to wait for more than a nanosecond for juice.  Real support and real camaraderie, the kind that other parents give and get on the playground.

Of course, there is another packaged form. These are those difficult responses that can and do happen.  Parents with disabilities may be treated like criminals (how dare you subject a child to your problems?) or idiots (“You will never be able to handle the challenges”).  I suppose pity and random praise could be better than these responses, but how about another reaction?  Support.

Sadly, one of the groups that should be actively supporting disabled parents often drops the ball.  Parenting issues aren’t always on the radar of doctors and therapists.  In fact, the act that gets you into the business of parenting may not even be fully acknowledged by professionals.  Yes, that one.  Accepting that disabled people are sexual and often (or mostly) capable of having children is so rarely mentioned in training and treatment protocols that it is a true crime.  When people with disabilities do have children, receiving equitable medical care and respectful treatment as parents isn’t a given.  Don’t believe me?  Think about how many accessible GYN tables you have ever seen, or how people with disabilities might struggle to attend the soccer game to cheer their child on.  Simple things that most of us take for granted.

I think that occupational therapists have much to offer parents with disabilities.  We are known for being the MacGyvers of rehab.  We love to solve real-life problems and use our wide range of skills to help clients achieve their goals.  Supporting people with disabilities to be the best parents they can be could be as simple as teaching a parent an easier way to hold or carry their child.  OTs are rarely consulted for this, but helping clients identify the positions, adaptations and adjustments needed to make that baby in the first place is actually in the OT skill set.  All discussed with respect and sensitivity, not pity.

OT support could be as complicated as redesigning a kitchen for safe and easy meal preparation.  Feeding your child is a wonderful way to participate as a parent.  Or as subtle as identifying how visual and auditory stimuli in the home set off sensory-based anxiety and agitation in a parent.  Being as calm as you can be is important when you are raising children.  A few sessions with a good occupational therapist can result in less stress, less pain, more skill and more confidence for all involved.

Occupational therapy isn’t always thought of as an essential service for adults with disabilities after the initial injury (think spinal cord injury rehab) or for people with more common issues such as fibromyalgia or back pain.  Perhaps that could change.  Parenting is hard.  It is harder when you don’t get the support you need.

 

Lining Up Toys Doesn’t Mean Your Toddler Has Autism

After head-banging, this is the other behavior that seems to terrify parents of young children.  Seeing a row of vehicles on the carpet makes parents run to Google in fear.  Well, I want all of you to take a deep breath and then exhale.  The truth is that there are other behaviors that are more indicative of autism.  Here is what I think that row of tiny toys often means:

Very young children have a natural interest in order and understanding spatial relationships.  Kids like routine and familiarity way more than most adults.  Some children are just experimenting with how lines are formed or seeing how long a row of cars they can create.  Some will even match colors or sizes.  And it is OK if Lightening McQueen has to be the first in the line.  Sometimes routines have purpose.  When your child tells you that you read Goodnight Moon wrong (you just paraphrased to end it early), he is really saying that he likes the familiarity and the orderliness of hearing those words said in that order.  Boring to you, comforting to him.  Experts in early literacy will tell you that his fondness for hearing the same story over and over is actually a developmental milestone in phonemic awareness, the cornerstone of language mastery.

Controlling their environment and creating patterns is another reason to line up those cars.  Young children do not create complex play schemes about races or adventures.  Lining them up is developmentally correct play for very young children, and it can easily expand with a little demonstration and engagement with you.  Build a garage from Megablox and see if your child will enjoy driving each one into the garage to “sleep at night”.  Don’t mention that in real life we all use our garages as storage units!  Typically-developing children may even repeat your game later the same day, having learned a new way to play with their toys.

When does lining up toys become troublesome?  When it is the ONLY way that your child interacts with those toys, or with any toys. And when you try to expand their play as above, they lose their lunch because it is all about rigid routines, not object exploration.  That line of cars is part of their environmental adaptation for security and stability; it’s not actually play at all.  There isn’t a sense of playfulness about changing things around.

A lack of developmentally appropriate play skills is a concern to a child development specialist, but it still doesn’t translate into autism.  Here are a few behaviors in 1-2 year-olds that concern me much more:

  • little or no eye contact when requesting something from you.  They look at the object or the container, not you.
  • no response when her name is called, or looking toward people when the name of family members is mentioned.
  • using an adult’s hand as a “tool” to obtain objects rather than gesturing, pointing or making eye contact to engage an adult for assistance.

Always discuss your concerns with your pediatrician, and consider an evaluation through your local Early Intervention service if you continue to see behaviors that keep you up at night.  They can help you!

Prevent Skin Injuries In Kids With Connective Tissue Disorders: Simple Moves To Make Today

Children with EDS and other connective tissue disorders such as joint hyper mobility disorder often have sensitive skin.  Knowing the best ways to care for their skin can prevent a lot of discomfort and even injury.  These kids often develop scars more easily, and injured skin is more vulnerable in general to another injury down the road.  As an OT and massage therapist, I am always mindful of skin issues, but I don’t see a lot of helpful suggestions for parents online, or even useful comments from physicians.  I want to change that today.

  1. Use lotions and sunscreens.  They act as barriers to skin irritation, as long as the ingredients are well-tolerated.  Thicker creams and ointments stay on longer.  Reapplication is key.  It is not “one-and-done” for children with connective tissue disorders.  Some children need more natural ingredients, but you  may find sensitivities to plant-based ingredients too.  Natural substances can be irritants as well.  After all, some plants secrete substances to deter being eaten or attacked!
  2. Preventing scrapes and bruises is always a good idea, but kids will be kids.  Expect that your child will fall and scrape a knee or an elbow.  Have a plan and a tool kit.  I have found that arnica cream works for bruises and bumps, even though it’s effectiveness hasn’t been scientifically proven to everyone.  Bandages should not be wrapped fully around fingers, and a larger bandage that has some stretch will spread the force of the adhesive over a larger area, reducing the pressure.  DO NOT stretch their skin while putting on a bandage.  And remove bandages carefully.  You may even want to use lotion or oil to loosen the adhesive, then wash the area gently to remove any slippery mess.
  3. If your child reacts to an ingredient in a new cream or lotion but you aren’t sure which one, don’t toss the bottle right away.  You may find that your child reacts to the next lotion in the same manner, and you need to compare ingredient lists to help identify the problem.
  4. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.  Skin needs water to be healthy, and even more water to heal.  Buy a fun sport bottle, healthy drinks that your child likes, and offer them frequently.
  5. Clothing choice matters.  Think about the effect of tight belts, waistbands, even wristbands on skin. Anything that pulls on skin should be thought out carefully.  This includes shoe straps and buckles.   Scratchy clothing isn’t comfortable, but it can be directly irritating on skin.  That irritation plus pulling on the skin (shearing) sets a child up for injury.
  6. Teach gentle bathing and drying habits.  Patting, not rubbing the skin, and the use of baby washcloths can create less irritation on skin.  Good-bye to loofahs and exfoliation lotions, even if they look like fun. Older girls like to explore and experiment, but these aren’t great choices for them.  Children that know how to care for their skin issues will grow up being confident, not fearful.  Give your child that gift today!

Looking for more information on caring for your child with connective tissue disorders? Check out Hypermobile Child? Simple Dental Moves That Make a Real Difference in Your Child’s Health and Teach Kids With EDS and Low Tone: Don’t Hold It In!

Does your child have toileting issues related to hypermobility?  Read about my book that can help you make progress todayThe Practical Guide to Toilet Training Your Child With Low Muscle Tone: Potty Training Help Has Arrived!