Monthly Archives: July 2020

Got a Whining Child Under 5? Here Is Why They Whine, And What To Do About It

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A lot of my youngest clients have started to whine.  That cute toddler has turned into a whiny young preschooler.  The pandemic isn’t helping them avoid it, or help their stressed parents handle it.

But I can help both parties.  I cannot make these kids grow up any faster, but understanding many of the reasons why kids under 5  whine and having strategies to manage it (notice I didn’t say “eliminate it”) can help.  Here is why they whine (most of the time) and what parents can do to get this behavior under control:

The Whys:

  1. They got smarter.  Not exactly more manipulative, but smarter about what gets your attention and what sustains it.  They can wear you down, and they can see that they are wearing you down.  Infants can wear you out, but they are oblivious to the effects of their screaming.  Not these guys.  They are taking notes, and taking names.  They know who is the best target for a whine, and who is impervious.
  2. They have more endurance.  You can’t divert their attention as easily as you once could.  No “look at the doggie!” and certainly no “It’s OK sweetie” will work any longer.  They know what they want, realistic or not, and they are gonna hold out for it.  Or make you pay.
  3. They have bigger ideas.  They can imagine more, and see that their productions don’t measure up to yours or their big brother’s results.  That scribble isn’t looking like the firetruck they wanted to draw.  Not nearly.  And they don’t know how to ask for targeted help or even any help sometimes.  This is a source of constant frustration for the most perfectionistic child, and even the most even-tempered.
  4. They still don’t understand physics.  Buildings that collapse, paper that tears, crayons that break.  They haven’t reached the cognitive level where they can anticipate these things, so they have “disasters” all the time.  I imagine if all your laundry turned pink, all your cooking burned, and all your pens broke.  You’s be annoyed too.
  5. They care deeply about what they are making, but their baby sibling doesn’t.  But they can’t anticipate and ensure the safety of their production line.  Babies are always up in their grills, ruining things.  Not because they are trying to; they are exploring, and destruction is a way to explore.  Let the frustration and the whining begin….

What can you do to decrease the whining so you don’t lose your ever-loving mind?

  • Telling them “I don’t understand you when you whine” isn’t likely to work.  You could tell them what you DO want them to do, which is to speak to you calmly.  It could be called an “inside” voice, or a “kind voice”, or any other name for it that your kid understands.  Telling someone what you want them to do works better than telling them you have become deaf.
  • Be amazingly consistent.  Don’t let circumstances rule.  Bake space into your events, so that you can wait out a whiner, and the essential things that need to get done happen with or without their participation.  You can leave the store without buying anything if you have something in the freezer you can serve for dinner, diapers for the baby, and “emergency milk” in the fridge.  Once a child sees that you mean business, they remember it.
  • Come up with something more fun for them to do than whine.  Since they now have bigger ideas but are unable to anticipate every disaster, you can give them methods to stop their LEGO from falling apart, or at least explain why it fell.  Be the solution to their problem in a way that makes problems normal and not a reason to fall apart.
  • Praise them for anything they do that is helpful, kind, or cooperative.  Yes, they should be cleaning up anyway.  But they will still be happy to hear that you liked their efforts.  Praise them to your partner or another sibling when they can hear you but aren’t in front of you.  This is Dr. Karp’s “gossiping” strategy, and it works!
  • Don’t let the baby destroy things, and then tell them they should be more tolerant of it.  Tell the baby not to touch, and tell your older child that they have to move their toy to avoid the baby breaking it, or they have to play with it when the baby naps.  Explain that babies just cannot understand what they are doing is a problem.  They aren’t trying to break things but they do. Make it clear that their toys are a priority for you, and that hitting and whining won’t work, but planning will.  This is my secret weapon.  When a child sees that I am on their side, they are my best buddy.  I won’t put up with aggression, but I will limit the rights of anyone else to attack their precious toy.

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How To Respond to Your Child’s Aggressive or Defiant Acts To Get Results

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Throwing toys.  Screaming “NO!!!!!”  Dumping a plate of food on the floor while they look right at you in defiance. Kids can go from cute to aggressive in the blink of an eye.

Is it annoying?  Sure.  Is it dangerous?  Not all the time.  Should you completely ignore it?  Not unless you’d like to see what real defiance looks like at 10.

But what should you do when your child is really testing your limits and the limits of your rules?

  1. You are allowed (and encouraged) to use a firm “no”.  Not the weak kind, and not a hair-raising screech either.  Lower your voice and look directly at your child.  “No”  clearly tells them they have crossed a line.  Avoid too many words, or weakening the message with explanations of why pulling the cat’s tail is a “no”, or why throwing their car at the flat screen TV is a “no”.  Young kids really have no idea about warranties or parsing cause-and-effect.  “No” is simply “no”.
  2. If they continue the behavior, you don’t have to do that whole “count to three” stuff.  The author of “1-2-3 Magic” states clearly in the book that this technique is intended for children over 2 that can comprehend it.  Under 2, and definitely if they have any language delays, you are making a fool of yourself if you think they can follow the idea.  Set limits and use consequences they can appreciate.
  3. Should you ignore some things?  Absolutely.  If there is no risk of danger, and if you are going to have them scoop their mac and cheese from the floor back onto a plate and into the trash in a few minutes, you can ignore it and try to turn things around.  You never want to teach anyone that bad behavior is the best way to get your attention.
  4. Never ignore physical aggression.  Unless people in your home routinely are allowed to hit each other, why would you accept that from your child?  You don’t hit them back, but you certainly don’t hug them warmly after they have smacked you in the face.  Think I am making this up?  I watch this now on telehealth in therapy sessions, but I used to witness it in person!  With parents that should know better.  After your child has smacked you while holding them, put your child down on the floor and tell them “No hitting” and walk a few feet away for a moment.  That is enough to message to a younger child that violence never is OK.  With an older one, that is an immediate time-out without any discussion.  They know they crossed an immovable line.
  5. Always praise good or good-enough behavior when you see it.  I tell parents that praising breathing out and then in again is OK.  So is sitting for three seconds without screaming, and so it giving me your plate instead of tossing it to the floor.  Very young children don’t see that as overkill.  They are little.  They see any praise as simply praise.  And you have to be positive if you are going to be firm about the defiance.
  6. Offer a better game than defiance.  You may have to buy some new toys.  You may have to be more fun with them than you were before.  You may have to be silly, and sit and play with them for a while.  But you were spending a lot of time with them anyway, dealing with defiance.  So this is a better deal.  When it is more fun to be “good”, most children, most of the time, will choose that.

If you find spending time with young children boring, if you expect them to never be defiant, if you aren’t willing to set limits, if you don’t want to deal with their anger when you stop their actions….you need to think carefully about your own issues.  

Kids aren’t houseplants.  Raising them is work, hard work, and it never ends.  But in the end, teaching them to manage their aggressive impulses without crushing their spirit helps them be the decent humans you want them to be.

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Teach Kids How to Cut With Scissors…The Easy Way

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terrific safe scissors for little hands!

As a pediatric occupational therapist, scissor use is something I assess but also something I teach.  And I teach it early.  I also teach safety early, and teach it with a focus on early success.

What makes it easier to teach children to cut with scissors?

  1. Good timing.  Typically-developing children have the visual-motor skills to start snipping with scissors at 24 months.  YUP; that early.  What they don’t have is safety awareness and the ability to select what they should be using.  To teach scissor skills this early, you have to know about fine motor development, child behavior, learning skills, and have access to the right tools.  If a child is unable to attend to your demonstration, unwilling to tolerate assistance of any kind, or unable to use both hands at midline, then 24 months of age is too soon.
  2. Good tools.  My long-time readers know that I use only one type of scissor until a child is 4 or 5:  Lakeshore Scissors for Toddlers That Only Cut the Paper, Not the Toddler  Nothing derails training like needing a bandage!  In addition to the right scissors, beginning to cut is helped when the paper is a bit stiff.  The cheap printer paper most teachers and even therapists use to make copies of cutting sheets is difficult to cut.  We don’t experience it as difficult, because adults have better graded grasp.  We can control the scissor more easily as well.  Young children do much better with card stock or at least high-quality printer paper.  Try getting the administration to pay for it, though.  But if you want success, use the right tools.  My private clients learn using the Kumon “LET’s Cut Paper” series of books, or “Paper Playtime”.  Read more about these excellent books here: Kumon Learn to Cut Books: Paper Truly Worth Snipping Up   . 
  3. Good demonstration.  Some children watch every move you make.  Others are completely oblivious.  Most are somewhere in the middle.  But learning to cut isn’t intuitive.  Not any more intuitive than changing the air filter in your car is.  Could you learn to do it?  Sure, but it would really help if you could watch someone before you tried it.  I make sure that a child is able to observe me, and being that close to a scissor is another reason to use Lakeshore’s brand of safety scissor.  If a child grabs my hand or my scissor, I might not be happy about it, but the will not be injured.  If they ONLY watch me the first or second time I use a scissor in front of a child, that is just fine.  Some kids are risk-averse, and pushing them to try isn’t smart.  The next time I bring the scissors out, they may be more eager to try to use them, and they will have some information stored away about how they work.
  4. Good experiences.  Learning should be fun.  Play should be fun.  Learning to use scissors should be play, not work.  Make it fun.  I will demonstrate cutting on a page that results in something fun to play with.  The “Let’s Cut Paper” books make some cut things.  Another thing that is fun is cutting pieces of paper that fall to the table.  I am doing telehealth during the pandemic, so I am teaching parents to cut 1/2-inch strips of paper and have kids cut across the paper.  They joy in a child’s face when they snip across the strip is wonderful.  It isn’t the same as snipping on the side of the page.  You need to make it fun, or it isn’t going to work.

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Toilet Training? Your Child Needs the Right Shorts!

 

In my first e-book, The Practical Guide to Toilet Training Your Child With Low Muscle Tone, I wrote almost a full chapter just on clothing management.  If your child needs you to pull clothing on and off, they are NOT fully trained.  And if they have clothes that make it impossible for them to manage, you are holding them back from feeling like a real success.

Target has your back!

Yes, the same place you go for their swimsuits, toilet paper, and hand soap.  Target sells a cheap pair of shorts that children can easily pull down and back up again.  Their Cat and Jack line is pretty inexpensive, which is helpful when you know that you will be going through a few pair of shorts per day due to accidents.  They are soft to the touch for kids with sensory sensitivities, and they do have a drawstring waist if you have one of those kids whose shorts slide off their tush.  But remember that if you knot it, your kid won’t be able to slide their shorts off easily.  Better to buy a smaller size.

I would pair these with a T-shirt that ends close to their natural waist.  A longer top will get in the way during bathroom use.  You want to give your child every chance to have a positive experience, and peeing on your clothing by accident isn’t a positive!

Here is a link to a post on dressing skills: Low Muscle Tone and Dressing: Easy Solutions to Teach Independence

Want more help with your child?  

The Practical Guide….. is available on my website Tranquil Babies as a printable download, and on Amazon as a read-only download.  It is also available on Your Therapy Source individually and bundled with either my book on hypermobility in very young children The JointSmart Child Series: Parents of Young Hypermobile Children Can Feel More Empowered and Confident Today! or as a discounted super-bundle with my book on hypermobility in school-age children included A Practical Guide to Helping the Hypermobile School-Age Child Succeed

Helping Children With Low Muscle Tone Manage Summertime Heat

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I write a version of this post every summer.  Puzzled parents ask me about their child’s sometimes dramatic reactions to playing outside in the heat.  Kids are melting like popsicles, tripping and whining.  Time to explain the way low tone and heat interact to create less safety, less stability, and less cooperation.

Yup, low tone has behavioral consequences.  How to comprehend and manage it is one of the cornerstones of my first book, The Practical Guide to Toilet Training Your Child With Low Muscle Tone.  When parents understand that low muscle tone is more than a motor issue, things start to improve.

Heat has predictable effects on muscles.  That is why people use heating pads on muscle spasms.  But when a child has low tone, heat isn’t helpful.  It makes it even harder to initiate and maintain a muscle contraction.  Ambient heat and internal body heat combine to create problems for kids.

What does a child with low muscle tone look like when they spend time in a very warm environment?

  • They fatigue more rapidly.  They could walk to the ice cream stand but want to be carried back.
  • They feel uncomfortable, but in a way that isn’t “sick”.  It is a combination of sluggish and unsteady.  The younger the child, the less they can express the difference between how they felt inside in the A/C and how they feel outside.
  • They become more stubborn, more contrary, or simply more irritable.  This can happen even if a child is typically the most even-tempered of kids.  Add humidity?  You might be in for a real rollercoaster ride.
  • They are often significantly less safe when they move.  They can have just enough of a delay in their ability to catch themselves when they fall, or fail to place their foot in the right spot climbing a stair.  They can even slide off the chair they are sitting on!

What can parents do?

  • Plan active fun for the cooler times of the day, or at least do active play in the shade.

  • Dress your child in breathable clothing, perhaps even tech clothes with breathable panels or special fabrics.

  • Dress them lightly and in light-colored clothing.

  • Make sure that they are well hydrated at all times.

  • Offer healthy popsicles and cool drinks frequently.

  • Have a cool place to bring your child, so that they can literally “chill out”.

  • Teach them about the effects of heat on low muscle tone so that they can understand and eventually act independently.

Looking for more information on helping children manage low tone?  

I wrote more posts for you to read: Is Your Child With Low Tone “Too Busy” to Make it to the Potty? ,  One Fun Way to Help Kids With Hypotonia Align Their Feet: Stomp-Stomp!  and How To Improve Posture In Children With Low Muscle Tone… Without a Fight!

Need more information?  I wrote three e-books for you!

Look on Amazon.com and Your Therapy Source.com for The Practical Guide to Toilet Training Your Child With Low Muscle Tone,  and both volumes of The JointSmart Child.  Read more about these unique (and very practical) books here:   A Practical Guide to Helping the Hypermobile School-Age Child Succeed and The JointSmart Child Series: Parents of Young Hypermobile Children Can Feel More Empowered and Confident Today!

 

Try “Rainbow Tracing” to Build Pre-Writing Skills With Creativity

delfi-de-la-rua-zolFYH_ygpw-unsplashI am not a huge fan of teaching preschool children to trace strokes.  I am very interested in the use of simple drawing to build pencil control and other pre-writing skills.  But done right, tracing can be fun and useful for both the child and the adult.  Here is one way to use tracing effectively:  Rainbow Tracing.

What is it?  The child traces the same target stroke with at least 3 different colors before moving onto the next stroke.   If needed, the adult can initiate/demonstrate first, and the child can repeat with additional colors.  It isn’t necessary for the child to be incredibly accurate, but they do have to start at the correct spot and attempt to end their stroke at the correct spot.

The target tracing line has to be sufficiently wide and simple enough to allow for reasonable expectation of success.  An example would be that a three year-old is asked to trace a curved line, not a series of diagonals.  The developmental progression assumes that most threes aren’t ready to execute diagonal lines independently.

Why is Rainbow Tracing helpful?  By repeating a traced line, a child receives more practice for stroke control and grasp.  It is colorful, and the colors are the child’s choice.  This allows some creativity and agency in an activity that might otherwise be boring and produce very little motivation in a child.

What about a child who traces over their errors?  If a child’s initial stroke is wildly off the target, they are more likely to re-trace their error.  If the adult knows that this is going to be an issue for this child, they can offer another copy of the same sheet, or the adult can be the first “tracer”.  They could also offer an easier and wider stroke to trace.

What do you do with the results?  Celebrate it, of course!  Kids love to put their drawings in an envelope and mail them.  Scanning them isn’t as exciting to a young child.  They like doing things “old school”.  So do a lot of grandparents and great-grandparents!

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Should You Use Pre-Mixed Dough to Bake With Your Toddler?

food-photographer-jennifer-pallian-OfdDiqx8Cz8-unsplashOK; this is a trick question.

Using prepared dough is one of the easiest ways to introduce very young children (or special needs kids of any age that are functioning at the 18-36 month level) to food preparation.  With the right mindset, it is the beginning of a wonderful way to share practical skills, build sensory and motor skills, and enjoy the company of very young cooks.

The greatest objections to using prepared dough, whether pre-cut or just pre-mixed, are that these are high-carb/low nutrition foods, and that they include preservatives.  Both of these statements are true.  They are also true of most of the food I see served to young children and consumed by parents.  I can count on one hand the number of families I have worked with in 25 years that do not consume any foods containing either preservatives or sugar.

Most families limit their consumption of both, and that makes a lot of sense.  Nobody is going to make cookies of any kind every day of the week, and maybe not even every month.  These are treats.  The dough can be purchased, already made with very wholesome ingredients, in specialty stores.  Adults can also make their dough from scratch well before including the child, as you would do with “refrigerator cookies” and pre-slice it, so that a child only has to place circles of dough on a cookie sheet to bake them off.

The greatest benefit of using pre-made dough is the ability to have only a few steps in the entire process of baking, so that a child is introduced to the experience of making food in an easy and positive manner.  Beginning with many ingredients and many steps that only the adult can perform is a sure-fire way to create a huge mess and create a negative experience for both the child AND the adult.  Young children have no sense that food is prepared.  They aren’t often witness to any preparation or cleaning.  This is a wonderful way to introduce them to the process.  Of course, no child can be involved with the use of an oven or touching hot pans.  That is OK; we want children to build their patience and attention!

Most kids are quickly ready to progress to using pre-mixed dry ingredients and blending them with wet ingredients, and then helping to measure and mix all ingredients.  The use of pre-made dough is simply a first step in a long process of involving kids in the kitchen!

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