Monthly Archives: August 2017

Negotiating With Toddlers? Why 90/10 Is A Good Deal To Them

 

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Toddlers can make you doubt your sanity.  They really can.  How can a crushed cookie be the end of the universe as they know it?  Why do they think you can make more cookies appear on demand?  And how to explain to this person that thinks you hung the moon that you simply cannot erase crayon marks?

This post is an effort to explain how to successfully negotiate (most of the time) with children 18 months to 5 years old.  It is based on The Happiest Toddler on the Block strategies by Dr. Harvey Karp.  Once I learned his techniques, I never looked back and became a toddler whisperer.  Really.  You need to embrace his two most important ideas and then you are ready to hit the negotiating table with your toddler.

Dr. Karp’s most basic concept is that you need to understand that the toddler brain isn’t capable of much logical thinking due to immaturity.  This means that they cannot negotiate well, even when calm.  It gets better as they get older, so a 4 year-old will have flashes of rational negotiation, and an 18 month-old may never get it.  She can’t.  Her brain simply doesn’t “do” rational well at all until that frontal cortex is mature.  The other concept is true for negotiation with anyone, including your partner and your boss.  You have to see their side of the story and communicate to them that you are aware of their feelings….whether or not you agree with them!

Agreeing that they get 2 more bedtime stories but not a snack as well, agreeing that they get the giraffe cup but can’t spill half of it on the new carpet to make a pattern, agreeing that they can wear pajamas to the park but only with shoes are all successes.  Tell them that you understand that wearing Spiderman jammies is indeed cooler with Spiderman sneakers helps them negotiate the deal.  Honestly saying that you are too tired to read 6 more books using an exaggerated yawn and a sad look helps.  You need to go night-night too.  They may be able to see your perspective since they are tired as well (but may never admit it to you).

So here is where your paradigm shift happens.  You have to be OK with deals that seem unfair to you.   Adults want a 50/50 split at the very least.  But you aren’t negotiating with another adult.  Be prepared to leave your ego at the door.  If you are the kind of person that needs to be right, you are going to fail at toddler negotiation.  Toddlers negotiate from the heart and with heart.  A mature sense of fairness isn’t going to be helpful with an irrational mind.  Hint:  if you have ever had a totally irrational boss that you actually liked when things weren’t exploding all over the office, you will have had some experience with the toddler mind.

Successful initial negotiations with a toddler often yield a 90/10 split.  90% for them, and 10% for you.  If they walk away happy,  you should too.  This is why this is not only a good deal for you, it is the only way to teach fairness in negotiation: toddlers start out expecting 100%.  A 90% deal is, in their mind, having given in big-time. But if they feel OK about it and life goes on, you won.  If you can manage that, the next negotiation could be 80/20.

Many toddlers cannot manage this when tired, overwhelmed, hungry, etc.  So negotiations can start over something simple, something that doesn’t matter very much to either party, and when things are calm.  You are teaching a skill, not making a business deal.  But the results could make everyone’s life a lot calmer in the end!

Make Handwriting Fun While Getting Ready For The New School Year

Here in the US, kids are getting ready to go back to school.  And most of them haven’t been writing much in the last 6-8 weeks.  At the kindergarten level, some children will have forgotten any lowercase letters they knew in the spring.  At the 1-2 grade levels, it is not uncommon for kids to forget how to form letters, where to place them on the baseline, and how to use simple punctuation.   Teachers sometimes need to use the first 1-2 weeks for review alone.

What if they didn’t need to review?  What if your child was ready to hit the ground running (and writing)?  There is nothing like seeing a confident kid sit down to crush her homework instead of struggling through it.  For all those writers who worked hard last year and are a little nervous to pick up a pencil again, here are some ideas that help getting back to writing fun and easy:

  1. Get good materials.  Kids are just like adults.  We like new, cool stuff.  So do they.  I recommend using the best eraser (Problems With Handwriting? You Need The Best Eraser ) and either the small Learning Without Tears (they changed their name!!!)  pencils for kindergarteners, or the Papermate 1.3mm lead mechanical pencils for older kids.  Take a look at my post on these useful pencils Great Mechanical Pencils Can Improve Your Child’s Handwriting Skills
  2. Use fun workbooks like Madlibs and games like Hangman.  Make up games that you think your kids will find funny.  Try the Junior version of Madlibs for grades 2-3, and the regular one for the higher grades.  There are themes for every kid, trust me.  Something will be funny.  Do them together with your child, have a contest for silliest madlib, send them to relatives that can appreciate this humor, etc.
  3. Target any errors made in writing their first and family name first.  Those errors will be repeated over and over in the first few days of school if you do not focus on them.  Time to make this a priority.
  4. Figure out where the gaps are, and hit the low-hanging fruit next.  Why?  Because that builds confidence.  Look for simple errors with easy-to-write or frequently written letters.  Think “a”, “e”, and “t”.  Doesn’t even have to be letters; could be numbers.  Kids need to feel like they can hit singles, and then they will try harder for doubles and triples.  Forgive the baseball reference; I saw a ton of stickers and vanity plates today.   Apparently all of my neighbors are big baseball fans!

There are only a few weeks of summer left, but if you make a small effort,  it can mean a lot to a child’s first weeks of school!

Should Hypermobile Kids Use Backpacks?

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It is back-to-school season here in the US.  One of the items on many parent’s shopping lists is a new backpack.  But for kids with low muscle tone or hypermobility, backpacks can be more than a way to carry books and water bottles.  They can be a source of pain, headaches, even numbness in hands and fingers.  The important question isn’t how to lighten the load of a heavy backpack.  It is whether these kids should be using them at all.

The standard recommendations from occupational therapists and orthopedists regarding backpacks is simple:  lighten the load, use both straps (select wide straps), and make sure the heaviest items are placed close to the body.  All good suggestions.  But if a child already has pain or weakness around the spine and shoulder joints, less stability and endurance, and less ability to judge posture and force, then the picture changes.  Using a backpack may be a significant physical risk, no matter how well designed or used.

Here are some suggestions that further minimize injury but can be acceptable to older kids who may be sensitive to being perceived as different:

  • Request a set of the heaviest books for home use.  This can be part of an IEP or a 504 plan, or the school may be willing to do so without anything formal on paper.
  • Select the smallest size backpack possible.  Stores like Land’s End and L.L. Bean here in the US are great sources for a variety of backpack sizes.
  •  Have your child use their backpack only for lighter items.  Pick the smallest water bottles and travel sizes of anything they need.  Think “weekend in Paris on a shoestring” not “trekking the Himalayas”.  At least they have a backpack like the other kids.
  • Teach your child to carry their pack in their arms, close to their chest, instead of wearing it.  I know, that sounds weird.  But if it is small, this is the smartest way to carry anything while reducing strain on backs and necks.  And they still have a backpack like the other kids.  A long shot, but some kids can be reminded of how awful neck and back pain really is, and how not being able to sleep or play sports is worse than carrying that pack in their arms.
  • Considering a rolling case?  Not so fast.  The twisting of the back and the use of one arm to drag a rolling case may be worse than using a backpack.  Then there is the lifting and lugging up non-ADA stairs.  Out of the frying pan……

Looking for more information about hypermobility, low tone and back-to-school planning?  Check out Does An Atypical Pencil Grasp Damage Joints or Support Function In Kids With Hypermobility? and Great Mechanical Pencils Can Improve Your Child’s Handwriting Skills.  There are pencil grips that can really help, so read The Pencil Grip That Strengthens Your Child’s Fingers As They Write.

 

How to Help Sensitive Kids Handle Greeting People (Including Their Own Parents!)

 

Many kids with ASD and SPD struggle with agitation and even tantrums when people enter their homes.  It can happen when their parent returns home from work, eager to scoop them up.  These kids become shy, run away, even hit!

Many, even most parents, believe that this is “bad behavior”, being defiant, or expressing anger at having people entering their space.  As an OT, I think about it differently.  Here is what I think is happening, and how to help your child handle this experience more effectively.

Sensitive children, which includes but isn’t limited to kids with sensory processing disorders, experience transitions as big charges of energy.  We all register a charge when events end or we switch locations, and when people come into our space, but those of us with less sensitivity do not charge up so high and we return to our baseline level of arousal very quickly.  So quickly that it isn’t even on our radar.  You would have to hook us up to a device like a lie-detector set to see the burst of neurological charge.

Not the sensitive person.  They are super-charged, and with little kids, it often is expressed as outsized and inappropriate aversion or agitation.  Thus, the scream, the withdrawal, the running away.  This response is often followed with agitation as the adult walks away and the child is now sad to lose the connection.  It can all seem a bit strange.

The long-term answer?  A good treatment plan that reduces overall, everyday arousal levels.  The short-term answer?  Here is my protocol that helps kids avoid getting so out-of-sorts with greetings, and builds social skills.  The nicest thing about this protocol is that it looks normal, not clinical, and it does indeed lower the brain’s level of arousal.  Keeping calm, but staying in the game socially, trains the brain to handle more interaction, not to flee.

  1. Greet the child from a distance.  This may be 5-15 feet.  Use a warm but not over the top tone.  Keep it short but friendly.  Don’t linger on eye contact.
  2. The child has been provided with an object to handoff to the greeting adult.  It doesn’t have to be meaningful, especially if the child is under 2.  Anything will do.  The idea is that it is a meaningful interaction that the child controls.  They release it to the adult.  You may have to repeat it with two objects.  The adult’s grateful response is also warm but not effusive.
  3. Now is the time to offer a hug or a kiss.  Sometimes it works, sometimes not.  With older kids that have language, I use “Handshake, hug or high-five?”.  I offer the child a choice of contact, and this alone can get them from feeling imposed upon to empowered.
  4. If the child is still protesting, the adult sits near the child, engaged in something that could be fun for the child.  A book, scribbling, something appealing.  No offer or invite; the position and the activity are the invitation.  The child may come over and begin to engage.  Connection accomplished!

Grandparents and others can think that this is coddling, or too much work.  After all, why doesn’t she greet me warmly like other children?  It is hard to parent a child with sensitivities, but your primary focus is on helping the child feel calm and comforted.  Explain that this is helpful and that the child really does love them.  He just needs a bit of help to express it.

We should be able to get out of the way emotionally for the sake of little people.  If a family member cannot wrap their head around the need to support instead of impose themselves on a clearly agitated child, then they need more help to understand sensitivity.